I am beginning to wonder if I have a frozen heart. It has been just over a week since we were told the news that our baby will not live past a handful of days and I have not yet cried. Yes iv’e welled up/got teary as I have spoken to various people about it or my thoughts on whats ahead but inside I know I must really sob about this surreal experience we have been thrown into. Excuse the pun but I’ve not yet “let it go”!
I have spent the past week sourcing the teeniest clothes so she has something of her own and then Nath and I have been back and forth with Ideas for her funeral. Gosh to say that out loud sounds so weird… she isn’t even born and here we are planning her funeral! I should be buying clothes in the sales, washing and bidding in ebay of a travel system but instead we are choosing a location to have her burial and things to say goodbye!!! I want the perfect welcome and the perfect goodbye and we feel before grief and reality hit we should plan everything we hope for. We have chosen various family members to do various things so that she can be surrounded by love from us all.
Perhaps this is why my hearts frozen and not attached to reality… maybe I am being protected to be a functional mother… perhaps i’m in a state of shock or maybe I just don’t want to connect to the truth that in a few months time maybe weeks I will be a mother that knows the real pain of loosing her child!
Although I feel like its not ‘normal’ to not have cried over this, in some ways I am grateful as I can continue to enjoy time with Nath, Ethan and Megs without feeling low and fed up (I know it will come). Today for example was their very good friends 4th birthday party, non other than a Frozen theme. My friend Becki has been work hard for weeks on it and it really paid off, it was amazing and the kids loved it.
Ethan choose to go as a policeman (£4.99 costume courtesy of Home Bargains – GET IN) and Megan, who was VERY against dressing up ended up as ‘Tinkerbell’. She made me laugh so much talking about it as she actually doesn’t even know who Tinkerbell is, yet suddenly was obsessed and uber protective over her outfit. She basically only had it because it was £6.99 in B&M as oppose to £19.99 in Toys R US for other princess costumes! I know i’m tight but that’s how I roll!!
They Loved meeting “Elsa” and I enjoyed seeing them have fun and socializing with other mums/friends. Of course parties/birthdays also become a painful reminder that for our 3rd child we will not have those hectic moments but I am grateful for the fun we had today and them memories with Ethan and Megan. Nothing like going nuts on a bouncy castle, stuffed with cake and sweets and running around like a nutter… for them the perfect day!