I am currently laid up trying to fight off some flu type virus that is plaguing my life. I really am aware in this pregnancy of how grateful I am usually for good health to just get on and be a busy bee, and how that make you feel both generally in yourself and in being able to help you be a good parent and wife. I feel utterly useless and exhausted, and haven’t really been up to a whole lot other than “resting” and a scan yesterday, and certainly haven’t had the energy to be able to look at a screen for very long.

As I lay in and out of conciousness, disturbed by sneezes and coughing fits, I keep coming back to and remembering last Thursday, the day this all began and the moment when I had to cut our outing short because I suddenly felt chills and weakness in my body. It wasn’t a particularly huge day we had planned, quite the opposite really, it was a day like most of our others and one that to most would seem quite ordinary. It was more of a simple and beautiful day spent with Megs at a local ice cream place, playing in the sun and seeing the animals.
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We have noticed that her weekly request, whatever the weather is, is always to go the farm and see the animals. She just loves to be around animals and she beams when in their presence. Our ordinary on our days together now, especially with the lush weather we have been blessed with, has been numerous ice creams, parks and farm visits, and the combination of the 2 leave us both feeling happy and content (and quite tired) and I feel like these small, simple adventures are just the perfect pace at this stage in life.
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Her life really is one of simplicity and where happiness seems to flow easy, I guess that’s the case for most 3 year olds. When I look at her some days though, I realise she can teach me so much about enjoying life and being carefree. I really have being having a lot of fun with her, especially more recently as she seems to listen better and cooperate and is so much more chilled. I love that we can do the same things each week and she loves it as much as the 1st time because it seems to be what she is passionate about. I REALLY appreciated last week that she was so accommodating on her day out to understand that Mummy wasn’t well and cut short her play time; though she had already seen the animals, played on a bouncy slide and had her ice cream, so she probably thought she had gotten her moneys worth!!!
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I certainly cannot wait for my body to fight this virus and return to an okay level of health once more so that we can get back out to enjoying our days together in the sun (hopefully), indulging in ice cream, playing, exploring and loving the animals that surround our local area at various farms. I am loving this simple pace and the ordinary moments we are sharing together in this season.

Linking up with Katie at mummydaddyme for #ordinarymoments 

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This last week I have very much like Katy Perry – hot and cold, saying “yes” and then having to say “No” , up and then down (out of bed) and out and then back in again…all because I felt like absolute rubbish when I fell victim to the flu! I have been rested up in bed feeling like iv’e been ran over, cancelling plans, doing very minimal things and realising that day to day activities are nigh impossible with this virus!
WP_20150927_13_14_31_ProYes good old influenza hit me and it hit me bad…I actually cried a little with all of the pain I was in (more than once) and unfortunately even the over counter painkillers the Dr suggested to me didn’t ease it very much at all. It started off last Sunday evening with body aches and a killer headache, which I assumed by my dates was good ol mother nature…several days later of needing naps from feeling exhausted, I was still swamped with intense pain, dizzy spells and an awful headache…the Dr confirmed it was “flu”. I have tried each day since to get up and do stuff but soon find myself back in hoodies and Pjs whining about how rough I was feeling.
WP_20150926_15_01_09_ProBeing an Asthmatic it is always a concern at times like this that the virus will make the situation more serious, and I thought that as I was over the worst of it (6 days), existing health problems wouldn’t be upset. But, lo and behold Saturday night I started wheezing and feeling tightness in my chest – by Sunday the tightness was still a problem and breathing was compromised to the point it was affecting my sleep…gutted! It turns out I wasn’t over the worst, but that it was only just beginning and I have had to endure a few more days of pain, aches, chills, sweating, banging head, tight chest, cough and general feeling of nastiness!I saw someone at the hospital yesterday and they prescribed a course of Steroids and a new inhaler to get me through…I’m hoping things will start to ease up now.

Mr Smith captured the moment.. "just in case you wanted to blog about it" haha I felt awful here; cold, aches and pain in my chest

Mr Smith captured the moment.. “just in case you wanted to blog about it” haha I felt awful here; cold, aches and pain in my chest

The annoying thing about being so ill is all of the stuff that doesn’t get done…work, home and days out with Megsie being the main ones and so as I have spent a good chunk of this last week in bed “resting” (blogging, twitter, pinterest, Netflix), my house has suffered and looks a little unkempt and well chaotic. You know yourself when you are queen bee in the home that when you get sick, the stuff you would have tidied is still sat there, floors would have been swept after EVERY meal, laundry would be away by now, but you look around and see that its not and I get uneasy about resting when I know stuff needs doing. Credit where its due though, Mr Smith has  done a grand job of keeping on top of everything major and has kept the washing up down and laundry hung up to dry. He has looked out for me with snuggles, letting me rest and fluids, painkillers and treats and has entertained the kids/done the odd school runs, which I have to say has been a surprise but great bonus of being married to a full time student. I really have seen it a blessing to have such a willing, helpful soul as my husband and that he tries so hard to look after us all.
InstagramCapture_93515a26-ea1c-429f-bfb0-9520f00a151eI hope that I will soon be back on my feet and able to blitz the house, do my DIY, make good meals and have fun with the family and take Megs to the farm like I promised – you certainly miss good health when its gone!

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Some of my ordinary moments right now aren’t always the heart warming precious ones that I like to write about or even read about on other blogs. They’re not the ones that you’d necessarily look back on in life and remember with fondness, but they are Ordinary moments all the same and I share this one with you because life isn’t always plain sailing, and what you see on the surface is rarely the full picture. I am sure I will look back on these less joyful moments and see how I grew, how it changed me or taught me a lesson and for those reasons also I want to share this side of life. I want you to understand grief from the loss of a child from every level and angle and show you what Ordinary moments sometimes mean when you find yourself on this road.

One of my biggest mummy guilt triggers comes from illness. Of course when you are ill you are never on top form and you cant be the amazing mummy you want to. The house gets turned upside down, kids have more screen time than you would ever like, they blatantly get bored of being indoors and then because your ill you get irritable too..yeah mint mum right here! I always get super frustrated that I feel rough as anything and struggle through to try and feed them and entertain them, and it it would be okay if it was every so often, but it isn’t. This scenario has become a very ordinary moment in our lives.

If you read my blog regularly you will know that just shy of a year ago I lost my daughter at term after a very difficult pregnancy, unfortunately she has severe heart problems and Trisomy 18 and my pregnancy ended in a  Still birth. This experience has been the hardest thing for us to face and as much as I make the effort to get up, get dressed, get out, have fun and live life with my kids, as much as Nathan and I work together and talk about it all, I cannot avoid the natural ripples of loss and so some days I wake up in pain (physical) and spend the day looking like this:
WP_20150814_09_48_33_Pro The problem with grief and stress is that it makes you physically ill too. Its obvious that you would be sad and even feel so for a long time. I think that tears, sadness and perhaps even tiredness would be obvious visual signs of someone grieving and the results of a very difficult 15 months. I think that I expected all of this and even to want to isolate myself occasionally with it all, but not many realise how physically ill it makes you too. Over the last year I frequently find myself taken ill – exhausted, migraine, body aches stomach pains…the list goes on and there never seems to be a reason for it. Body aches, susceptible to everything, cold sores, sty’s.. I’ve had it all this past year since loosing my baby, and so whilst being poorly as a parent is never easy, being frequently poorly because life has run you into the ground is very hard to deal with and that makes me VERY frustrated.

The annoying thing is I go to the Drs, they try to help, but there seems to be no explanation to my pains and I know deep down or rather  I am realising that the physical pain and illnesses I experience is the results of constantly fighting in life for our happiness and to be able to live it and enjoy it. The other week I was even referred for an ultrasound on my abdomen and kidney’s because of the amount of pain I had been in – it was clear!

This week has been one of those weeks – An ordinary few days of mummy being ill, I do think it was a virus, who knows, but I had zero energy and felt very flu like with painful muscles, hot and cold etc. Whatever it was it has meant movies on the bed (thanks Netflix), piles of books to read and me feeling guilty as anything that we’re not out doing something fun and at the same time wishing I could rest better, trying not to snap at the kids, being grateful they are still for even an hour and dragging myself to the kitchen in pain to feed them.
WP_20150814_09_43_26_Pro WP_20150813_14_03_13_ProNath never takes time off work no matter how ill I get…I always cry a little at the situation because I hate that no matter how well I look after myself I still continually get ill because my body, due to grief, is never on top form and I hate the lack of control I have to be a good mother to my children. I always say “i’ll be okay”, because usually after a day or 2 of resting and being a naff mother, I gain the strength to continue and I AM Okay.

Thankfully I did feel well again by the weekend as we had to rock up for our 3rd wedding this year! It was nice to be able to get up, get dressed, slap some make up on and enjoy the day with friends after I had felt so awful for the best part of the week. I hope these days become less frequent and I hope that soon it won’t be one of my ordinary moments. But I am grateful that the kids are learning the drill and rarely whine of the “boring” days in when mummy is ill, it certainly eases mummy guilt!
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Megs is the second child and so hasn’t had a lot of opportunity to have me to herself. As a tot we had Thursdays & Fridays together whilst E went to preschool and would have lunch out one day, swimming, shopping, peppa pig sessions or she would have a nap and I would clean/chill out (Get in) I don’t really feel bad about it or that we’ve missed anything, she’s never known anything other than having her brother (whom she adores) and seems most content with her little life, we have an excellent relationship (until I tell her off) and a great bond that has developed with ease. I definitely  feel I have her figured out now and she and Ethan both bring me great Joy, try me and enhance life.

Last Monday, out of character, she awoke suddenly at 3am screaming her head off. When you reach the stage where they are almost always sleeping through, the broken nights are certain to shock the system! She was emotional, hot and VERY clingy and as a result it meant that she wasn’t up for pre school that day, instead we took Ethan and then spent the day together.
Mummy and Megs

She fancied a walk, so we went around the local reservoir with my friends and then I asked if she wanted to go to lunch with them (she did), she was such a sleepy head the whole day, perking up occasionally after a dose of calpol. I still to this day don’t know what it was, but she didn’t eat barely anything all day, which is so NOT like her and instead opted for sleep and lots of cuddles.
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Whilst I felt bad that she wasn’t well, she didn’t let it stop her and I loved having the opportunity for a little a girly day and some one on one with the Megster! She spent the day in her onesie and soaked up all of the attention from my friends and loved the sympathy from everyone when we went to pick up E! I loved this day with her, casting aside anything ordinary like the laundry, cleaning, meal prep and made memories, stronger bonds and a new ordinary moment having some time with my little lady,

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