Parenting after Loss – 6 Months

How is my baby girl 6 months old today? I seriously am a bag of mixed emotions as I think firstly about how exciting it is at the many wonderful milestones that await in the near future, and then emotional too to think of my baby growing (as I say most months) far too fast for my liking.

Since our last update we have a new wardrobe, have started weaning, went to our first playgroup (finally), are sleeping for larger chunks at night time (thank you), and she has some great rolling skills from both back to front and front to back. Her sitting up is still somewhat rocky when not being assisted by us or the Bumbo, and whilst she’s still gnawing and whimpering no teeth have yet made an appearance either.

5 months to 6 have certainly being the most emotionally challenging for me in this parenting after a loss life. I think it has a lot to do with the big things we are now experiencing; like changing the pram unit and eating first foods that are like a huge slap in the face of what we missed last time round. Don’t get me wrong they are so exciting to see and be a part of, but they hurt so much in my soul that whilst celebratory in Alice’s life, they are very real reminders of what we lost, missed out on and every little thing we didn’t get to do with Poppy because she passed away.

And then I believe it has something to do with not being certain if Alice is my last and if all of these milestones are the last time I’ll be doing them? I don’t know, I’d like to think she isn’t but pregnancy for me is awful and my body felt so battered last time round. I still don’t feel like I have fully recovered physically, and that along with the anxieties of “will they make it?” now my naivety to birth always been joyful has been shattered. I don’t know if I can or want to go through that again. Mr Smith is a resounding “No”, but maybe with more time and a better rhythm to life with 3 kids we will feel differently (that or I will accept that this is it).

At 6 months old I want to remember how smiley and happy she is, her deep voice like megs when she laughs and the squeals of excitement that come from seemingly nowhere – they are the things that make her so delightful and are soothing to my heart. And I most definitely want to remember yesterday, when playing on her mat without a nappy to air a serious case of nappy rash, she decided to poo. I didn’t notice until she had rolled around in it like a little piglet and began to raise the alarm – Yes, now that’s most definitely a story for the boyfriends for sure.

How blessed I feel to look at this beautiful, pleasant, happy little girl with her dreamy blue eyes. A true beam of light in our world after such an awful period. Where have the last 6 months gone to? I still feel like I’m in the newborn hazy phase and here we are midway to her first birthday – I guess time really does fly when you’re having fun, and I can certainly see why they call these babies rainbows!

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