What could have been

Sleepless nights, night feeds, a million nappy changes, tonnes more laundry, pushing a pram again, baby car seat to carry, Changing bag, baby classes and clinics are just a few things I would be doing in my life right now if my baby had have lived.
Its funny how I would have probably been coping fairly well with all of that extra stuff, yet I am wrecked with the 2 I have and sometimes struggle to get up before 8am!!! My sister in law was laughing at me over Christmas because whenever the kids woke up and asked to go get breakfast I would always respond with “10 more minutes please”!!! I came up with the genius plan that if I put Peter Rabbit on my laptop then I was guaranteed those extra few mins to snooze. I have to laugh at myself the mornings I do this because the reality is if I had a 4 month old I’d be having half the sleep I get and up before sunrise most mornings and be mostly okay with the situation.
On Sunday a beaut of a baby girl , dressed like a little fairy was blessed at church (like a Christening), and I surprised myself by being able to say “it was lovely” and whilst I wasn’t as emotional as I potentially could have been (id barely slept psyching myself up for it) I couldn’t help but imagine what Poppies might have been like, what food we would have and who would have come for the little ladies special day, it seems recently I have had a few reminders of what could have been with her in our lives.

Today we went swimming, we love going swimming and go most weeks and now I have it down on how to keep the kids in check whilst I get ready before and after (usually involves some sought after crisps) I love it… however today I failed to get the memo about it being “baby swim”, at least that’s what it felt like.

As soon as I had battled to cram all of our tat into the locker whilst keeping the kids from legging it into the pool, I turned round to be faced with baby after baby, or mothers with baby and toddler all grinning gleefully as they splashed around.. it was certainly one of those unexpected moments that cuts you deep into your soul. For several minutes I pondered on how Poppy might have been in the water (hopefully nutters like Ethan and Megs) or how different life would be with a 4 month old baby too – I certainly wouldn’t have been able to take them all swimming alone and my getting ready strategy would probably have to be reconsidered but I deffs could have been one of those mothers with baby in arms and toddler splashing around.
Though initially it hurt to see them all I noticed that I didn’t find it as painful as I might have even a few weeks go as I am coming to accept what has happened and that this is my life now as a bereaved mother.

Thankfully babies can’t hack the pool for long and so most were gone within 20 mins and we had free reign..jumping in..building float rafts…pretending to be sharks and “pinching crabs”, the joy I had with them both helped a lot to not break from this experience. I hate the emptiness that comes when these situations jump up and smack you in the face but I am glad I am developing ways of coping with how life has turned out; be it 10 mins of screen time to let me snooze and get the energy to face the day or 2 energetic, laugh out loud kids that can guarantee joyful moments in potentially emotional situations. There are always going to be milestones, events and even everyday ‘stuff’ that will remind ME that I had a daughter that never lived on this earth, never came home with us or met any of us and whilst it hurts a lot at times and always will I like that these situations are a catalyst to remember her and ponder on what could have been.