I don’t know about you but that little bit of sun we have had last/ running into this week and the occasional Spring- time day has really lifted my spirits. I was worried, because I was pregnant with Poppy over the Summer and also because grief can be multi sensory that it would just be another trigger (thankfully I love the Sun as much as I always have). I have loved putting on my shades and being out and about with out so many layers – eeeeek a little bit exciting!
Like many millions around the country I paused to catch a glimpse of the solar eclipse last week. Despite the cloud here in the North, it was still a magnificent sight. As the moon made its way across the sun I was surprised at the sudden drop in temperature and of course, as expected, dusk overcame the sky…It was all a little eerie yet amazing too.
It was mentioned to me recently that after a loss as heartbreaking as that of a child you seem to appreciate and recognize natures beauty far more than before, they said they seem to look for the joy in nature and for a long time took hundreds of pictures of sunsets, trees, views, plants… As I stood and witnessed the eclipse I felt in awe of the world, the universe even and just thought how majestic the whole thing was. I found many parallels to my grief, the sudden dullness and chill to life, the occasional beauty that breaks through the clouds and then the joy when the sun returns to its full glory (yet to happen), what a difference the sun makes to life; to me, my mood and generally the brightness in which we view things. I guess life has felt like an eclipse recently, not much to see…empty… I hope the sun continues to shine, not just so we can get out more but I really feel the sunshine will be bringing me a lot of happiness and shining light on the beauties around, I hope I will find joy in the arrival of Spring and new life in nature as I used to. I hope that with the birth of the lambs, the growing of the beautiful flowers and the extended hours of daylight I will begin to understand my “new normal” and find a new life of my own that works, thats manageable and that brings more happiness.
I chose to visit and spruce up Poppy’s grave on Friday, only to find out that it was still Winter opening times at the cemetery and we missed it by a ruddy 1/2 hr – pfffftttttt. Sometimes I wish it was closer, it really saddens me that it gets left and as it doesn’t yet have a headstone looks neglected and forgotten – it certainly isn’t a reflection of how we feel. Of course we know SHE isn’t there, we believe she is in heaven and that is just where her body is laid, but I find peace to visit and it helps me to come to some level of acceptance that all of this happened and she was here and even if its just pimping up her tiny plot of land in a cemetery, its something I as her mother can physically do for her. When we buried her Nathan and I walked the path to the plot side by side and carried her coffin together – for some the very thought of 2 parents doing this is emotional and heartbreaking – I won’t lie it was, but to us its one of the only things we could do for her, take care of her little body, hand her back to God and lay to rest, we felt it our responsibility; I carried her in life and I would carry her as long as I could here. I am amazed that whenever I choose to visit Poppy’s grave the sun is shining on it… it brings me peace to sit in the sun and look upon where my baby is rested..it hurts and is sad too but there’s something inside of me that wants to physically be near her. I don’t often talk about my faith, but it has been my rock (With Nathan and his faith too) through all of this and I feel God is aware of the hurt and need to be there, the need to do something for my child and the warmth of the sun is like a big hug assuring me its going to be okay…maybe not now but one day, soon enough it will be okay!
The sun certainly makes a HUGE difference in my life right now and I am so glad for it, glad that it doesn’t bring grief of last years difficulties but happiness that it always has. BRING ON THE SUN!!!