I often look at my life and cannot believe how much it has changed in such a short space of time, in some ways that has been tragically and painfully but it has mostly being for the better and for very special, joyful reasons. I have an amazing husband and the mother of 3, we lead a great life and rarely go short of anything though my husband is a student. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of Poppy; the 5th member of our family and wonder what she would be like now at 7 months. Everywhere I go there are people with prams, carriers or pregnant – even if I didn’t want to think about it the reminders are there and whilst that is painful it doesn’t prevent me from making memories with my living children, talking about their little sister and trying to make the most of our life by doing things that bring us Joy. Whilst my heart still hurts a lot and things didn’t turn out the way we wanted them to I look at all I have in my life and just can’t believe its mine. It is sadly an ordinary part of my life to spend each day remembering my baby that was born sleeping, to look at the kids in a picture and see there is one missing – it just will always be who I am but I do not let that hinder us leading a fairly ordinary life of childhood adventures and fun.
This week we have enjoyed loads of adventures to various parks, halls and farms around Yorkshire and have made the most of this lush weather, we have had a wonderful time with cousins and friends but no matter how good the company is, I always wish Nath was with us to see the kids explore, create, climb, fall at times and generally making a mess and making memories. Because of this, yesterday was by far my fave day out..whilst it started off with some bickering (this time not the kids) it ended with joy and feelings of gratitude for our little fam! After some errands and hair cuts we went to Shibden Hall in Halifax; a place Nath and I went to whilst dating and it was so great to be back there with the kids – we obviously reminisced and walked arm in arm like loved up 20-somethings again, forgetting the earlier bickering’s and frustrations. Nothing much had changed and It didn’t seem like 2 minutes ago (okay maybe slightly longer) that we were there dating and feeling the romance as he rowed me on a boat across the lake…
This time however the view was slightly more crowded but still as gorgeous!
It was great to have a day out with Nath there to enjoy the fun and for us to be able to tell the kids a little story about before Mummy and Daddy were married, to which Ethan replied “oh that’s nice, I really like that”!!! I loved being all together..riding a mini train, boating on a lake, playing in the park and eating ice cream’s in the Sun, remembering life before kids and appreciating new adventures with them. Its nice sometimes to be Ordinary family and not the bereaved family and just breathe and make the most of the lovely thing we do have right now. I cannot believe how different things look in 6 years!
Beautiful photos of you all Mary. One of my closest friends lost her baby at full term and she often talks of that strange aspect of their lives- living life to the fullest and enjoying every day, but also with the every day being a painful reminder of what’s missing. It must be so terribly hard. Sending hugs to you always. Isn’t it lovely being out and about now the sun is shining a lot more? x
Thanks Katie! Its refreshing to find people that have some experience with Stillbirth/infant loss and can understand the roller coaster we are on..thanks for sharing that!
It is hard but days like this are nice and YES it is so so nice to be back out and about and be able to take your mind off things x
Being out on the water puts you in a good mood not just because of the calmness of the water but because of the salty air. The saltiness of the sea air is composed of charged ions that aid in the body’s oxygen absorption, which in turn balances serotonin levels. The more balanced your body’s serotonin levels are, the happier you’re going to be.