I have a track record for being indecisive and not finishing things. This is true, I cannot argue against fact, because there is a path I have left in life of unfinished courses and temporary jobs. I am indecisive yes, and I am 30 with no idea of what I want to do in life beyond what I am already doing now as a mother. I also have quit courses, not because I am a quitter but because I don’t see the point in wasting time (or money) on something I try and realise isn’t for me, isn’t what I had hoped or doesn’t pan out how I thought it might. I don’t regret this though and I don’t look back and wish I had completed such and such a course (only that I had chosen a different one at the time) and as for the temp jobs, well I love that I have experienced many sectors and seen where my strengths and weaknesses lie, met and worked along side many great individuals and learnt a lot from them all. That’s not all my CV is made up of, I have long term jobs I’ve held over several years that were fulfilling, educating and brought out personal strengths I treasure. I have definitely had a fun time in my life so far doing so many varied things and I like that I haven’t yet had anything so serious that I couldn’t give it up to be a SAHM.
I am a fighter, not fiercely competitive but definitely will stand up and fight for something in life I feel strongly about. I am always amazed at how suddenly committed and decisive I do become though when its something important (eg my marriage to Nath – BOOM no question)! There are few but very memorable points in life when my indecisiveness has taken a back seat and courage and commitment stepped in and I never questioned it, no matter how hard life got in relation to that path I was on/am on or with the decision I made I never questioned it or gave up.. I was sure and I would fight to finish what I had started. Its hard then to surrender when instinct is telling you to fight. I can easily walk away from a course and accept it wasn’t for me, wasn’t the right path etc but when I am fighting for what seems right (in this case my strength, my sanity, my survival, my family unit) to surrender to the thing that challenges it seems wrong, foreign and very hard.
I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I had been making more time to read books as oppose to on line material! The book I choose to read is pretty intense but very educating for me at the moment and explains grief perfectly to me through the true story of the authors own loss, she says on grief:
“I realized the more I fought the current, the more it dragged me down. I had to learn to let go and let it wash through me until the waves had subsided. It took huge courage to trust in this process and it terrified me”
As I read these words yesterday it was like a light came on in the darkness I have been battling against recently and I realised that I need the courage to surrender to it rather than fight against it. For the first time in my life my formulae that has got me through everything and worked is wrong! To heal from grief quicker, to spring back from the tidal waves that knock me for 6, I have to go with it, I have to surrender I have to let it wash over me…feel it, submit to it, go with it and then the stillness of the waters of life will again return. Fighting it drags me further down. Ive always gone with the flow on small things and fought for the big things but now, in this scenario fighting to be strong isn’t really being strong at all because its actually suffocating me. I need the courage and the faith to surrender to grief because then and only then will our lives begin to feel a new energy. I need to forget what life has taught and now change myself but also realise that surrendering is not the same as quitting or giving in but handing over my suppression of emotion to deal with the emotion as it washes through me and no longer resisting the emotions that HAVE to come out sooner or later.
At another point in the book (which I have yet to finish) she says:
“I was beginning to understand that in the worst circumstances I was still being shown on a daily basis that I would be supported and looked after”
I couldn’t agree more with this, whilst I have said before how isolating and lonely life feels, the fact I keep going is down to the small moments along the way that I get a little support or in some way feel looked after through this; a hug, some treat, a card, a text, a call, a helping hand…these things give me the assurance that I can have courage to surrender to the pain because I will continue to be looked after in some way..from a friend, stranger, family member, husband… I am surviving because despite feeling alone I am not and despite carrying the heaviest load I don’t carry it alone because I have someone “up there” looking after me through the people down here, and each day I survive it, succeed at it, is another day closer to relief and healing. I have recently had new people crop up in life and old ones who have shown me greater love and support so that I know will be a support next time a wave hits a sweeps me down. My courage to surrender comes from the assurance and understanding that no matter how bad that day will be when it hits again I will be looked after somehow so that I can keep getting up, showing up, dressing up and look forward to life looking up.
I have no idea what course I will do (if any) in the future, whether or not I will ever have a “real” job or what the future holds for me. My goal now is to find the faith and courage to surrender to my grief, because I realise strength is in surrendering not suppressing and only then can I make plans for my life and decide who I will be, what I will do, how many more babies I will have, and which path I take next. If im honest though I kinda hope as I become stronger, less battered and bruised that it will just crop up on me and I won’t have to decide anything other than yes or no!
Is there something in your life you need to find courage to surrender to and stop fighting? That may initially be painful but eventually far better for you?