Yesterday morning , like many of you I’m sure, my Facebook and twitter news feeds were full of Election stuff! PHEW I thought and what a relief it was. I’m not hugely into politics but do take an interest with the hubs in current affairs and will ever be grateful for the sacrifices that made women’s votes possible. I definitely think that its important we all have our say and are involved where we can in our country and I do love a discussion on current affairs (okay maybe I am) but the real reason I was so elated was because I was sick of reading, hearing and seeing phrases like “Baby”, “Princess”, “safe arrival” and sick of images of little babies, discussions on baby names and what was written on the birth certificate…REALLY? Isn’t that one some what obvious?
My husband says I’m royalist – I guess I would have to agree as I did, like many, get a little giddy over royal weddings and big news with the royal family, I love to go to London and check out their pad and always get a little emotional with British anthems. Also whilst my favourite part of history is the Victorian Era and the world Wars, I do enjoy very much watching films about kings and queens of the past and yes I even joined in the excitement when the birth of our new princess was announced (that one took me by surprise so I must be a #Royalist), but
as a mother that recently lost her baby these words, these images, discussions and on line competitions to win baby stuff if your baby has the same name (Aldi) do not create feelings of excitement or joy like they do for the rest of the UK population, biscuits (M&S), toys, coins and who knows what else in celebration of a baby do not get me happy or sell it to me, instead they remind me what I could have had, they remind me of grief and they ignite pain.
Id say my journey is progressing in a healthy steady way, I function relatively well and do not weep as frequently as I once did but this news has made me feel completely naff – every status, every share, discussion and image has pushed me to feel like I’m dragging my way through life as it triggers my heartache and reminds me my arms are empty where there should be a 7 month baby, grinning, teething and slobbering. Most days this week I haven’t wanted to go out and see people (though I have done) but rather hide away and remember what i’ve been through, feel the pain and long to have her. I even abandoned my clean eating and scoffed a bag of giant buttons. I didn’t want anyone to fix it because no one can I just wanted to feel sorry for myself and recognise that my baby isn’t here and it sucks at times like this when all people are talking about is a ruddy baby.
Not to be a sceptic or even to sound negative but what if the baby DIDN’T arrive safely? Until I lost Poppy I never would have even thought like this but knowing how many women have had great pregnancies too, have all the baby things ready and then something goes wrong, who go home empty handed, a heavy broken heart instead of glee. Has anyone asked let alone published what goes on a death certificate? Did the papers write up about the grieving mothers outfit as she left hospital? Do we ever hear about the sleepless nights as parents mourn the loss of their newborn instead of speculation of how this baby will sleep and who will see to her? Of course not, as i’ve said before people can’t deal with death and baby in the same sentence but for some its a language we frequently speak. I find it hard to tell people my baby died, its not a happy thing to share but she was baby and I gave birth to her, she was beautiful and my little princess. We don’t have a birth certificate only a death certificate and its signed by the Dr that told us our baby was “mentally retarded and not compatible with life” (salt in the wound?) she like other Drs never considered she deserved a chance and to be loved, to be born alive! There was no safe arrival in our announcement – only silence! I went home from hospital in PJs with my hair unwashed and zero make up. We didn’t take her in the latest car seat to see the family, she went to where both our parents live in the back of our car in a teeny white casket. I had sleepless nights but they were filled with tears, anger and unable to feel any more! So forgive me if I am not going nuts about a ruddy baby born alive it reminds me mine wasn’t and I am pleased she did arrive safely, birth is a lovely thing and for Kate and Wills a wonderful time as the learn to be the parents of 2 and experience growth in their little fam, but also because no one should have to live a life of infant loss and the public couldn’t cope with hearing, seeing and reading “baby” and “death” in the same sentence because they can’t deal with it when I and my other friends that have lost speak it.
So thank goodness for politics, the election and mad politicians to steal the lime light..it couldn’t have come at a better time. At least I can feel lighter and sleep better for a few more days!