For several weeks the kids have been badgering us for “another baby”. They have names picked out, plans of where it will sleep and ideas of when it should come…Megan even said to me a couple of weeks ago “mummy I think you are getting fat because a baby is in your tummy” – Id actually lost 2lbs with sickness!!!!! Its been hard to keep the secret that we were pregnant from them and our friends and family, and blogging has been especially difficult as my headaches, sickness and exhaustion have made me brain dead and no desire to look at a screen…its been #VomCentral over here, but just my Ordinary for pregnancy!
It all started On the morning of the 26th November 2015 when I took the plunge and did my morning wee on a stick! It had sat in my little basket for 3 days, and by this point my period was 7 days late… we had been trying for a couple of months as after Poppy’s 1st birthday, we felt ready to take the plunge of what a 4th pregnancy could mean, and felt it was now a natural gap in our kids. But despite being “ready” my anxieties of knowing for real were just too much to really know for sure!
I handed it (with cap on) to Mr Smith; “you tell me…I can’t look”!!! He confirmed to me what I was scared to admit – It had 2 lines, yes the second a little fainter, but there was definitely more than one..POSITIVE. I AM PREGNANT. Eeeeeekkkkkkkkkkkk I couldn’t digest it, excitement and fear erupted and I still found for a few days on from that revelation that I was not believing we actually had another chance and I was going to have baby number 4!!
We decided a few months ago that we can either stay here in this painful sphere, or we can move forward (not on) and grow our family, feel the pain but experience more joy, have faith that this time it will be different….And so we took the plunge to bring a new vibe to our home, family and life. All I have wanted for about 2 years now is another baby, (and Nathan is pretty easy going as long as it fits around his exams haha) whilst I grew and birthed Poppy, whilst I had a 3rd baby at term, she couldn’t stay, she couldn’t come home, I couldn’t feed though my body yearned to and she couldn’t be with us to experience life. And that yearning for a child has never left me, nor the pain of having to say goodbye at birth will never leave me, But she has hand picked another for us to help to heal our hearts and bring us joy once more, I really feel its a good timing for this rainbow to be in our lives!
I was anxious as it took a couple of months which isn’t my norm, and not to sound ungrateful, but my fertility has been extremely predictable, and so when it wasn’t as instant as the other 3 I felt sad and more desperate for my baby! And then of course I am and have been terribly worried of ALL of the potential dangers and what ifs; I haven’t slept right leading up to the scan and had all kinds of crazy dreams about what they might say or what might happen. I am sooo excited, but I am also sooo terrified and a little emotional too, because for us no longer is it a case of get out of the dangers of the 1st Trimester, but pregnancy loss has in many ways tarnished pregnancy for us…the looming 20 week scan in March is a little haunting and then until the baby is safely in my arms I will never be 100% certain it is our reality, I just hope it is and getting over the finish line safely is my only goal, because I now know it doesn’t always “all work out”.
I envy pregnant women still who have that naivety of not loosing a baby and can feel free and excited, who can shop and plan. I am not bitter to them, I just wish I had that too still, because whilst I am so excited, I am also super worried…It surprised me that I still feel a bit sad when I see new babies but I think it was naive of me to think that that would go, yes it still hurts that I lost one and now it scares me that that still might not be our end result. But I am so hopeful that this time it will be okay and as it progresses I can relax and enjoy it all a little more…
So yes – after weeks of anxieties , sleepless nights and a break out of cold sores on my face with being so ill for the last 4 weeks I can say that so far its so good! A scan at fetal medicine yesterday morning revealed one healthy (awkward and stubborn) little baby due at the end of July! HORRRAAAAYYYYYYYY …
and apparently by the time you’re on to number 4 you get a scratty pic where its head doesn’t even look attached to its body, disguised as a “sorry your baby isn’t very photogenic”! Who cares…right now its “Normal” and our stormy sky is looking clearer, our pregnancy pretty ordinary and a rainbow is on its way, which if Megs gets her way will be called “Crystal”!?!?!?!?!?!?!