As I sat in my 1st midwife appointment a few weeks ago I said to my midwife “As if im having my 4th…I feel like a baby machine” and started nervously laughing my head off, she just responded with a “hmmmmmm” and courteous smile, which has had me thinking: Am I baby machine yet? ahhhh Im 31 and on number 4 it seems so mental, yet not that many all at the same time! But now the news is out and we know that Number 4 is growing well and on their way this summer, I’ll fill you in on the last few weeks and why I haven’t done a whole lot and being pretty unsociable and flaky with stuff.
This has most certainly been the most anxious 1st Trimester out of them all with it being the 1st pregnancy following a still birth and Trisomy 18 baby. I have been paranoid about miscarriage, Trisomy’s, CHD, Health issues and anything else that might go wrong.
Not a lot has been that different care wise, but that I know that is to come, and I guess having your dating scan with Fetal medicine isn’t the usual scenario but we got through and all of our future appointments seem to be there!
Since finding out this amazingly wonderful, confusing, exciting and terrifying news, I have been paranoid about all sorts yes, but also a little giddy too, but the dominating feeling has been one of “ugh I am so terribly ill”… Any way read for yourself – here is how I have felt and been each week since finding out!
Week 5: The only good thing about being anxious in all of this, is that I waited 7 days to take the test, and so was already 5 weeks when I found out. I have had really bad headaches for the last few days, and feeling nauseous and dizzy on an afternoon. I have cancelled a lot of stuff so as to be able to just lay still in bed as I feel mega rough!
Week 6: Week 6 saw me feeling so detached and not with it and completely exhausted no matter how much sleep I get! I have been crying so much which I don’t know if its a result of all of these extra hormones, or the fact I am pregnant over an already sensitive time of year (Christmas) and my mind is racing with worries! I expect its both, whilst I am excited I feel super scared and worried too!
I spoke to my GP on the phone at 6+1 to ask how this pregnancy will be different, and she said I am to be under consultant care from the start…screening, tests, scans, cardiac etc and has referred me to the LGI for an appointment at fetal medicine during “early pregnancy” and so we anxiously await that. This week I keep feeling a lot of twinges/pains which I don’t remember having before and having terrible headaches and nauseousness but only 2 episodes of being sick!
Week 7: Im still keeping it a secret and saying “When I have another”, but I can see this is becoming increasingly difficult since morning (all day long) sickness has stricken with a vengeance! I have been doing pretty well having peppermint tea and mint sweets regularly to curb the nausea, but towards the end of this week very little is working now and its a case of avoiding dehydration…as I sat in bed at 10pm 7+6 nibbling an ice lolly in winter, I knew I was well and truly preggo now!
Also at 7+6 I received my letter for the hospital on the 18th January at fetal medicine (eeeek) but thankfully a different consultant to last time, which is a blessing I think. I can’t get a midwife appointment/booking appointment until the 6th January where I will be 11 weeks by then. Its all a little worrying and seems so far away!
Week 8: Feeling absolutely terrible!!! I have spent 3 days completely in bed, unable to stomach a lot, completely exhausted and heaving whenever I move. Actually being sick this time is minimal so I don’t believe it HG like I had with Megs, as some foods are staying down. Its just constantly there and triggered by and movements….ugh I cannot stand this feeling of overpowering nausea!!!
Yes Yes, I know its all a good sign, healthy baby and all that and I am hoping this to be true, as I have been terrified about miscarriage and every other thing that might go wrong!!! It doesn’t feel like any of my other pregnancies, so I couldn’t say there were any similarities to make me believe I was expecting a boy or girl either way, I just know I feel dog rough and eating very little! I am worried it is another girl with feeling so ill (thought like I say its different to others) and going off “research” articles, and I am aware it sounds ungrateful when a healthy living baby is the only goal here, but I know it will be very hard emotionally to see and have a girl straight after loosing a girl… I am desperate for a boy so that it feels and is a very different experience! It would be a challenge to watch a baby girl and relive all we missed with Poppy!
Week 9: This week has been CHRISTMAS week YAAAYYY and I have been absolutely starving/nauseous most days. I was so worried that people in the family would see me puking or busting out of my clothes or something, but I am seriously hoping we got away with it!
Its been hard being with everyone, because as well as bursting with bloating, I have been bursting to tell them or give a reason for my desire to just “rest” all the time, but I pushed through and did my best with food prep, house work and fun despite wanting to be sick, feeling rough and trying not to appear lazy!!
I took the plunge and made a baby purchase on Christmas eve, and I love it – the perfect thing for our “Rainbow” son or daughter…lets hope we dont have twins or ill have to track another down. Scan is the 18th Jan and then we can tell the world 🙂
Week 10: My sickness has gone from manageable to out of control and I feel absolutely terrible! I have spent most days in bed, with any movements making me spew… like labour you forget how hard this early stage is, made harder by not knowing if its all good under the hood..I hate having nothing much to go by than an extra line on a stick! I feel miserable, ill and a lack of desire for anything but sleep! Thank goodness Mr Smith is home from Uni… he is a life saver!
Week 11: Today I saw my midwife and I love her! Seriously, she’s fabulous and I hope I have her throughout, I haven’t ever connected so well with a midwife and always found the one I had somewhat awkward, but now I feel so much more at ease as she’s so open and easy to talk to! She had read my notes, knew all about Poppy and wasn’t the least bit awkward about it all.. .I was there for over an hour and going over all of my previous pregnancies and births, whilst lengthy, wasn’t anywhere near as emotional as I had anticipated. She was brilliant!
I have been told about more screenings, and still deciding on these, had blood tests done and given referrals to groups and bereavement midwives that can support us in this pregnancy if we need it. I am surprised, but pleased about all of the extra appointments, scans and support they will give us, and I hope it reduces the anxieties nearer the end.
I am still feeling absolutely awful and its making me feel emotional not being able to look after myself, kids, home and life.. I am hoping it eases as 12 weeks approaches!! Its weeks like this I wish I could tell people so perhaps they could bring dinner or clean up for me haha I’d love to chat to friends about my anxieties, but I want to keep my word to Nathan and make sure its all okay at the scan, life is a little hard but we have made this far in secret and so hopefully as the 2nd trimester comes the sickness will ease, and it can all be enjoyed a bit more!
I also swear I felt flutters this week – I know its only like 4cm or something but it deffs wasn’t wind!!
I cannot believe I did it… a full 12 weeks without telling a soul! I have shocked even myself!
This week has been really hard health wise and emotionally; my sickness has eased some, but I still have it on a morning and feel awful most days and very exhausted. I have had the odd bout of heart palpitations and dizziness and the headaches at night are relentless. The latter are both symptoms I have never experienced before in pregnancy and so I am completely thrown on what I am expecting. I have also had terrible vivid dreams about miscarrying and sick babies and as our scan nears I am getting terribly scared and nervous – its good to talk to Nath, he gets it as he was there, but I do miss the opportunity to share these fears with girlfriends and have the usual pregnancy banter… only a couple more days and it’ll be LIVE and I can chat and whine til my hearts content, but yeah, whilst I am excited and hopeful, I am also very scared that it’ll be bad news at the scan… I can’t help but worry when the last scan I had told me my worst fear! I broke down at church because it all became too much, I didn’t tell the reason for it, but there were enough other emotional thoughts that I shared those and not the nitty gritty of ” I have my 12 week scan tomorrow and I am terrified it might be dead, underdeveloped or a phantom”!!
The scan was pleasant, and I smiled for ages watching the little baby wriggle and stress the consultant out! They put me back 3 days but what’s that really? So instead of almost being 13 weeks, I was 12+2 (now +4) I froze when I 1st saw the baby as it wasn’t moving… I knew it, “it’s not alive” I thought, yes really I did, but it was, and she put on the heart beat nice and loudly and smiled…all is well, all is normal.. Oh the relief, the joy, and the madness! Last time I was there I was hearing awful news and here I am 16 months later being told I have a healthy baby (so far)! I feel very blessed and very happy!
I declined further testing as we don’t feel we need it if things are progressing well right now. The fluid behind babies neck is completely normal so not even a high risk for downs or Edwards and so I said I am happy to wait until 20 weeks and see that the organs are okay, and if not we will discuss tests and stuff then! The consultant was fine about it and tried hard then to reassure me and calm my fears of Trisomies, still births and everything else! Our chances of having another Trisomy baby are pretty much the same as anyone, but maybe a just a small percentage higher. So far this baby seems not to be affected! Baby number 4…12+ weeks… WOW – this is really happening!