Today I am officially over the half way mark…20 weeks and 3 days to be precise and positively relieved to have our 20 week scan out of the way. It has certainly been an anxious week, and whilst a teensy bit excited to be able to have an opportunity to see the baby again, my fears of it not panning out once again and worries of absolutely everything that might be wrong plagued me in the run up to today.
I have also amidst all the worries, have been trying to work out what we are having. Whilst I know more so than ever that this isn’t a gender reveal scan, I do always look forward to knowing that small detail. I look forward to the opportunity to prepare and that of being able to connect a little more to the tiny human inside of me! Knowing early on that Poppy was a girl made the world of difference at every stage, and so this time I have been hoping that it’s not another girl but rather a boy. Why? Because the thought of another girl, whilst lovely just seems to me a tough call…too many reminders and milestones to what I have lost and missed (plus the dresses, hair clips and all things girly), and whilst I know I will fall in love with any baby I have, I have made no secret of the fact I’d love a boy this time round…something different!
So there I sat on the way to the hospital, the kids at school and me wondering a million things about the impending scan. I was quite nervous but not overly as I went into fetal medicine and met with our consultant, and as I watched her scanning so intricately each organ and making each measurement I just didn’t know what was normal and wasn’t. I watched and waited to hear if things were okay this time, hoping they were and if I had the okay to relax and rejoice in this pregnancy, and thankfully I do – We are over the moon to be told today that we are growing a very healthy baby! PHEW!
I felt so happy, yet those words seemed so surreal – We actually have another chance, I have a whole mix of emotions at that, but mostly joy, relief and a little excited!
And then came the next question…now we were assured it was healthy, we asked if she could please tell us the gender, and I had everything crossed that she would say “Boy”!!!
I’ll let Ethan and Megs reveal all…
Ethan is pretty mad; “I hate this stupid news…I wanted a brother” (as he threw the little girly shorts on the floor I had bought to reveal it to them)!
Megan isn’t so sure; “I wanted a bruvva too, but a sister can sleep in ma room” (She has several name suggestions with this including Eden, Crystal, Oliver or Samuel who all also happen to be her school mates!?).
Nathan is delighted and feels very blessed.
And then me? Well I am of course very happy, a little nervous and just in complete shock really. I laid there and could not believe that she said its another girl. SO, she then showed us to confirm and explained the anatomy as I think my whole face read “disbelief” and all of my thoughts suddenly raced into “I cannot believe its another girl”! Of course I am really happy and excited at this news but mostly I am just feeling relief and joy that she said she is actually healthy and growing normally. That alone is huge to digest after all I have been through!
So yes…I am very glad I have another daughter on the way, I just fear she will remind me too much of what I missed with her sister and it’s that now that I need to get my head around so that I can let myself fall in love with my 3rd daughter and 4th child!