I have never shared this experience publicly before, I don’t think even my friends and family have heard much about the day following her birth other than the facts (hospital check, dressing her for burial, taking her to the funeral home…) but when I look back on that second day with her I remember it clearly from the moment I awoke. Here a year on to the day, it seems fitting to share it with you, to show how we made it through the week of saying goodbye and funeral planning.
We had stayed overnight at the hospice, it was just Nath and I with Poppy. We were in the bedroom and her in the crib next door in the nursery. We didn’t set any alarms as we needed our rest after the previous days events and to be honest I imagined my sleep would have been broken anyway with the sadness of it all…I was very wrong.
I had the best nights sleep ever and awoke to the sun beaming through our curtains. It wasn’t too early and whether in denial, feeling surreal or just numb I had little sadness in my heart at that point, but I remember the words of the song “In the arms of the Angel” rang through my mind…I hadn’t heard it in years but at the moment it seemed the perfect thing to hear. I didn’t really know at that point what I believed about her in relation to the angels but I did certainly believe in angels, believed that they were around us to bear us up at moments like this and I also felt she was in their care…
“In the arms of the Angel fly away from here…You’re in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here”
I sat there on the bed with these words, the tune going over and over in my mind and I took a deep breath and nodded…yes we were..all 3 of us were in the arms of not just one but several angels.Here we were in a place of refuge…the hospice had meant we could stay in a homely environment with our child, it meant we were protected from being on a maternity unit, it meant that we had the best nights rest before the natural duties after death and it meant that we truly did find some comfort there…whilst I am sure there were heavenly angels around us during that week – comforting, carrying our child…we were surrounded by angels at the hospice helping us to make the most of our time, comforting us and helping us with the next few steps.
I wished that day hadn’t meant I had to go to the hospital and be late back, that I missed the opportunity to dress my daughter.
I wish we had been by her side for the day..looking at her, talking together and making memories, but it wasn’t that way. Its Okay though because as long as I hear that song I will be reminded that we were comforted and helped that day through Angels all around us in the hospice, and those we couldn’t see.