Usually 3 weeks before your kids 1st birthday you would be seen shopping in Toy shops or on line for something lovely for them to play with, maybe a new little outfit or a useful bargain to make life a little easier. We have always bought books an outfit and something useful for 1st birthdays (1st shoes, a bed, something like that), but this time round there are none of those things, I wish to feel normal and buy my daughter a normal gift, but Instead I found myself at the stone masons asking about a headstone for her grave.
Nathan and I have put off buying the headstone because the task just felt too huge and all so final and its a painful thing to see the name you fondly picked out written on a grave stone along side the birth date and due date…. We spent a few months discussing back and forth stones we wanted, then colour of font and finally what we wanted it to say. I took lots of pictures of other baby graves that I liked the look of and wanted to replicate for Poppy. I was ready and settled and felt it a great duty to her to get this done before she would be 1! People would see her name and knew she was here.
I chose a place I was familiar with, near where I grew up – I expected to go in, tell them what I wanted, get a price, order it and have it. I WAS WRONG!!! And so glad it wasn’t any earlier in my grief because I would have gone absolutely psycho on them. I can disconnect from emotions to get stuff like this done, I did it for the funeral and I have done it since, but as the meeting went on I was getting more and more frustrated. I said at least 5 times what I wanted – she didn’t get it. I visually explained..she said it wouldn’t work… I asked how long it would take “ooooo at least 3 months”!! Then whilst in discussion E got told off for touching some stones hahahaha the whole thing was becoming very uncomfortable, a task I felt was an honour and had spent months preparing for was quickly becoming an ordeal and frustrating.
“Is she joking? ” I said to my mum as we left none the wiser. If anything I know where I DON’T want to buy it from, but at the same time we are only a couple weeks from her 1st birthday and no headstone.. all we wanted was a mini version of an adults in light granite, curved top, black text and name and poem….too hard and wouldn’t work??? Really??? As if buying a headstone for anyone isn’t hard enough, a baby more painful and with barriers flipping awful!
I wandered into the cemetery to see my grandma’s grave for a bit, one I have always loved to look at and later found out from my Dad where her’s was made..perhaps we will try there next. Sheesshhh what a hassel this already difficult task was! I need a rest before I can tackle that one again!