Getting back on the horse

When Ethan was small, like baby small I decided to train in Baby Massage and Yoga. I had never heard of these before in my life until I met my now good friend Charlotte whom I also work for/with. She ran her own business teaching classes on her own and once E was born I went along for something to do with him. One day after baby yoga, she mentioned how busy she was and without thinking I said “I could teach for you?” and with that she helped me find the courses and after several months of studying, essays, research, practice and attending day courses here and there, I was awarded with a level 3 in Massage Therapy and Level 1 Baby Yoga. I loved it. It was nothing id ever considered when in high school but one of those things that finds you. I loved teaching parents the benefits and seeing their babies each week in class growing and loving it. I loved the friendships I made, the easy pace of the work and the anatomy and science behind it all. I also loved that it led on to teaching / instructing music sessions right up to pre school, the odd baby sign and it became a job I loved, had fun doing and worked well around my new baby.
When Megs came along I continued until my maternity leave and went through a few phases where I felt it no longer fitted in with family life, it came to a natural end because of other demands, but I was okay to cover when she was desperate! I picked up a few classes again when the Kids were in Pre school and found the same enjoyment from each cheesy song I danced to and each yoga pose I attempted to demo. I really felt I had found something in life that not only I was good at but that it made me happy to do too and helped financially.

We decided last year when I found out that I was pregnant with Poppy that I would work up to my Mat leave and then call it a day, again it seemed to have come to a natural end…3 kids would keep me very busy, Nath would be nearly done with uni so we would be okay financially and so it just seemed a natural place to push pause. I took early Maternity leave last year after we found out about her CHD and surgeries after birth, it was all too much to be around women and their healthy babies and in an environment that is constant baby talk. Everyone always commented and wanted to talk about my little bean, and whilst this was lovely of them it constantly reminded me she was very sick, and things were quickly going in the direction of not even having her. We made the decision for me to step away and for a whole 14 months I haven’t been back. I haven’t wanted to and I didn’t think that I ever would….
Then a couple of weeks ago I was asked to cover..I panicked and wondered how or if I could but under the circumstances I said I would and after a rough nights sleep I managed to be able to help out. It certainly felt weird and awkward, but I also had a lot of fun, its something that is very natural for me to be able to “perform” in front of people but despite the ease of this the whole situation still feels hard, but I did it! I got back on the proverbial horse…I instructed a large scale baby/toddler group amidst my grief and I had fun doing it. I chatted with mum’s with babies, expectant mum’s and mum’s of preschoolers. I danced, sang and shook my sillies out and then also came the discussion of me continuing after the summer? I want to and I don’t want. It was a huge step to get back on the horse, it is evidence of healing, but it is also a hard place to be in life, a place I didn’t think I would be, not my plan and something that is a reminder of what I have lost. When we decided to have Poppy and that I was going to be a fully pledge, full-time SAHM I imagined I wouldn’t work again for many years, that If I did it would be way down the line and who knows if it would even be this again? I didn’t expect that somewhere down the line to only be a year later and I must say I am finding it incredibly difficult to be okay with doing this. I love it, I’m good at it, its fun, great pay, but its a reminder…a painful reminder and sometimes in mind makes me feel I have gone backwards, I am back where I started. Was this last year a waste when I have just gone back to who I was and what I did? My life seems no different only I am hurting more and have more anxiety connected to something I loved to do fearlessly. I love it but I am scared and a little disappointed at where I find myself again.

I learnt last month at SANDS that finding a new normal isn’t about becoming a completely different person as I once thought it was. Some things will of course change..beliefs, relationships, attitudes, interests and even careers and roles in life, but some parts of you remain the same. I constantly feel lost in life as I search for meaning and purpose in this, I search to find how I will use this journey to help others, change lives and become a better me. I know some of the old me and loves will be just as significant now, but I do struggle to see if this is a new opportunity that the old me will emerge from, a bit of familiarity that will be a good thing in my life if I take the plunge and stay on the horse. But then I also seriously wonder if this anxiety about it will ever leave? This disappointment that emerges when I think about it. SO do I need to step down from it again? Iv’e shown I can do it but should I leave it in the past and step down because it really could be too much too soon, going backwards or rather in a direction that will not help me…I love it but I am scared that I will resent it for putting me back where I was before Poppy as though that year never happened, as though we never had that plan and wish and as though I never changed or let it change me. Does there have to be meaning in the things we do or do we just get back on the horse and get on with it?