Dear Poppy…

I don’t know where you are what you are doing, but I feel wherever you are its not far from us. I believe and have hope in a heaven, and I really do hope that this is your home with all of the people we love and miss taking care of you for us. I hope by now you have laughed with mine and Daddy’s Grandmas and you have had a lot of fun with your Grandpa Smith playing and riding on the trains of heaven! I wish heaven had a letter box or email so we could know for sure, but then where would the lesson of faith be in life?
I have been thinking of you a lot this week as we approach 2 years since you came into our lives and wondered how we as your family could remember you on your birthday this year? I have some ideas and we have chosen who we are going to help this year in your memory, but as your mother I still longed to give you a gift of some sort beyond the lovely flowers on your grave. And so, after a phone call with grandma Smith and gaining a new perspective on things, I went about the day and it triggered an idea… My gift to you this year is to share the lessons you have given me so far through the brief moments we had you in our life. I feel by doing so will be healing on this day and give me appreciation of the blessing you forever will be to us. So here goes…

Firstly you taught me the sanctity of life; that every soul deserves a chance and no matter how imperfect their body is they should be given a chance to life. You were seen by this world as imperfect and damaged, but when I held you I saw absolute perfection. You were gorgeous Poppy just like each of our babies have been – you had 10 tiny fingers, 10 tiny toes and a gorgeous little nose, a pair of neat and cute little ears, and of course a lovely head of dark hair. But one thing I will never forget is the peace I felt when I held you because you had such a heavenly radiance about you.

I learnt from you early on the passion I had in this belief of life and that I had a voice to speak out against things I felt were wrong. Because of you and what you have shown me with this, I can promise you I will do great things in my life to change perspective.

You taught me love and understanding to a greater degree. That you can love someone you have never met and that love can transcend this life. I have seen that grief is a result of love and that friendship and love can be instant between strangers because of what we have experienced in our lives and because of what our hearts understand.
This understanding has helped me to help others and so because of you Poppy, many many people have had hard days and moments made better because I have known how they feel.

You taught me to look for God more and appreciate even the smallest things in this world. I have gained such an appreciation for nature and creation and realise these things God has blessed us with; nice sunsets, the beach, the view from a mountain or a tiny butterfly, all heal our souls and bring us joy as we walk through life, they really are given for the benefit of man!!!I Thank you so much for that because I just love nature and being outdoors and I have so much more gratitude for creation now.

Because of your life and loosing you I learnt to have more faith and trust in God and Jesus Christ. It pains me to not know why this happened and to not understand why we had to suffer such a great loss or why every year we still feel that pain that connects us to you, but because we did and because you couldn’t stay, I have learnt to rely on the merits of his sacrifice to be healed from the depths of grief. I learnt quickly that to see his hand in my life daily would bring peace and strength, and I always had the blessing of recognising it. I learnt that Joy can be present in trials because of healing and that its okay to be sad at times like this, because this is something we will live with until we die too. I have learnt to be kind to myself, have a rest along the way and don’t feel guilty.. being asked by God to carry a trial through life can get exhausting some days but he will be there when it gets too much again.

On the subject of death you have taught me that whist its so sad and whilst that sadness of loss can last a lifetime, I can still be comfortable around it.

You taught me that not everyone thinks like me and to be patient with them and not expect things. Doing so will give a sense of disappointment but rather I need to recognise that everyone leads their own lives and not everyone knows mine and thats okay. This is an ongoing lesson and trial for me and again thats okay. You will probably know I still mess up on this one or get upset about it, but because of you I am learning to look outside of myself and gain more understanding of others and not expect them to know how I feel from loosing you day in day out.

You have taught me that despite how busy people are, they do have good souls and would help if I ask but their prayers bring us strength and that because of them we made it through the hardest part of all of this. You have helped me see how our prayers can be answered by the hands, words and acts of others. I think you might not be the only Angel I have encountered in life…

You have taught me to be brave and shown me how strong the human soul is. Because of you I have learnt to have courage and ive been able to keep going when I didn’t think I could. I have seen the strength I am capable of when faced with adversity and I know I can overcome great tribulation. Because of you Poppy I have learn’t how to endure, and how to endure with a positive perspective, seeking out joy along the way.

You taught me I can keep a sense of humour when life is hard, you taught me to still have fun when life isn’t great.

Because of you Poppy me and your daddy have a stronger relationship and marriage. We have grown in love and learnt how to support each other through very very hard times. We have learnt how to stand by each other in great difficulty and to have faith in our marriage covenants. We have learnt new ways of communication with our feelings, how we want our family to be and what we truly treasure in life…all because of you.

You have shown me that writing is good therapy and its something I can do. You have given me a new passion in my life, because it was from you that I established this blog. We recognise that all that comes from it, all of the lovely opportunities we are given, the things we are sent, the places we go through it, they all come because we had you in our lives. Thank you so much.

Ethan and Megan adore you and tell people about you often, and I know as Alice grows up, she will come to know of her special sister in heaven too, but something tells me you are already well acquainted.

It hurts a lot to not have you here on days like this, and that I cant give you physical gifts. I think as life continues I will see more and more lessons from you, and as I go through it I hope I can always remember what you have taught me and given me. I hope I can be the woman and mother God sees in me when he entrusted your life to my care, and I hope more than anything that heaven is real and we see you again one day. Until then I hope you are keeping busy and I hope occasionally you stop by and let us know you’re never too far. I hope you can watch over your siblings when I can’t and that one day we will enjoy a sweet reunion. Until then I will still feel sad sometimes that I cant play with you, have snuggles or show you all of the places I wanted to, but again I know that’s Okay.

I will never forget you Poppy or what you have given to us…

All of my love
Mummy x