When we think of an Anchor we imagine a great big metal object used by boats to hold them in place (at least I do). Grief, like an anchor can keep us stuck in one place for a long time whilst the tides of life change around us, the more the horizon and sea changes the scarier it becomes to lift up anchor and keep going on our journey. It often feels like your lost at sea, stuck and not sure which way is best to sail…meanwhile all around you life carries on, the sun sets and it rises, the tides change, the creatures continue in their lives, oblivious to you not moving because you don’t know where you are going!
I haven’t had a counselling session since November, at times since then I know talking to someone would have been helpful but I got through all the same, about a week or so ago I had a wonderful session with my bereavement councillor – it sounds strange that doesn’t ? How can counselling over bereavement be wonderful? But it was because it gave me confidence as I realised that I am doing really well, that I am moving forward and that I am finding healthy ways to carry Poppy with me without letting the pain of loosing her dominate my life and emotions. I of course still have the most awfully painful dragging of days, the days where Im afraid to open my eyes because I remember what happened, what I lost and how that day Im just not strong enough to deal with the pain, I’m not strong enough to smile and say “I’m doing okay” because those days my life is far from okay. We spoke of the anchor of grief and where as I have been and felt stuck in life I’ve also reached a point where I realise that I can pick up my anchor (the grief) and I can take it with me, whilst its a heavy load, when it gets aboard my ship it just becomes a part of it. As you sail on your journey you still hit stormy seas, we have times where we drop anchor and stop for a while but the important thing is that I realise that anchor (Poppy and loosing her) can always be with me, will always be with and is now apart of my structure!
The anchor connects me to Poppy, I sometimes am afraid to laugh and be consistently happy, sometimes afraid to move on with life because grief connects me to my baby, grief reminds me how much love and hope I had for my 3rd child..another cheeky girl. But part of healing is also realising that it can come with you through life, you don’t leave it, you don’t forget it, you learn to live and work with it.
This week has had me stuck, not to the sea bed but my own bed, it really hurts and the skies feel quite grey! My asthma has also been playing up which has meant I need to take it easy, but like with any negative thing it triggers a series of reactions that all come back to “life is rubbish..my baby died”! Its so tiring trying to move forward in a storm, smiling and saying “life is good/I’m okay” when I feel anything but. Its all I know to say as not many have time or energy for the alternative. This week I have dropped anchor, i’m stuck for a bit grieving because carrying the heaviness of the anchor through choppy waters doesn’t work for me yet. I know I can take it with me and things will be okay but I don’t want to end up shipwrecked and so some days, or some weeks its wiser to stay put, hold tight and hope for calm and tranquil waters.