Parenting After Loss – 5 Months

I had a scare last week with Alice, one that seemed really major and worrisome at the time and had me “on tenterhooks”. It was a realisation to me of the fears which I carry that something might happen to her and I simply could not bare it… whilst things are in a great place, I am constantly reminded of how scarred I am from having one of my babies die , from being the unfortunate one to suffer baby loss, and how any thing now that triggers the fears of it happening again are simply awful but yet very real!

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I have never been a panic type of mum really when the kids get ill, because lets face it, kids get ill. I know the routine of a spot of Calpol, fluids and rest, and letting them ride it out. I have had the nights of practically zero sleep as they sleep next to in your bed, or you sit on the sofa next to them barely keeping awake. I know to just be there with lots of cuddles and watch for signs of anything more than what seems to be a bug, and I will always take them to the Drs for peace of mind if I feel its not right! I know the routine, I am a mother and I’ve done it plenty of times. But this time round it is all a bit different and with my past experience of losing my baby there is a terrible real fear it could, it might, it maybe will happen again, and as soon as I begin to believe it won’t or I think I am maybe being a little irrational, I have a scare in someway that leaves me feeling so incredibly vulnerable and remembering how precious and fragile life is.

Last Monday when I had my hair done I noticed that Alice had barely being awake. She had been fighting what seemed like a cold for a few day and I had periodically been wiping the green bits from her eyes (you know what I mean right? bleugh)…the night before she had felt hot and we had given her some calpol before her feed to bring it down and by morning she seemed okay. But by mid morning/lunchtime something wasn’t right again, She felt terribly hot and very lethargic. She slept through her feed and had to be woken for it and then only fed for a little while before going back off. I stripped her down but she still felt like a radiator and with in moments of leaving the Hairdressers, I found myself power walking up to the surgery with tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat and a crazy prayer in my heart that my baby wouldn’t be taken again. I officially felt like a crazy woman yet justified in my emotions!

The receptionist was less than helpful and very good at patronising me, but in the end had me see the Dr. He confirmed she wasn’t well and that she was sporting a 39c temperature that required her to have paracetamol and ibuprofen ASAP. Again I felt panic but did as required and after a few more days of unbalanced temperature, over worrying about a rash, broken sleep and her feeding on me like no other, she seems to have perked up! She seems fine and we are all okay.

There was no hospital needed, it was just a majorly high temperature that was caught and controlled before it was an emergency, but I wondered that day as I left the surgery if I will ever be able to deal with her being ill and not jump straight into “will she die” mode! I wondered if it is just one of those having a baby after baby loss scars that I will carry or is it because she is still so little? I really don’t know.

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Fears, worries and illness aside though, our little Alice is coming along nicely. Her 3-6 month wardrobe is looking rather snug in places, half mast in others, and popping out of the odd baby grow at night. Even just yesterday the family commented on how big she is looking and I am slowly putting her things aside and accepting it could be time to dress her in the odd 6-9 piece. It happens with all of our kids a month or so before the next clothing stage, they are long people and always need bigger clothes sooner than you would hope. Its hard to believe in another 4 weeks we can begin the weaning process, put away her carrycot on the buggy and start thinking about moving her into a cot! Its even harder to believe that I am still managing very well to exclusively breastfeed her, though with this last week or so of crazy feeding I was questioning it!

I am loving how she laughs out loud now when you tickle her, how playful and funny she is, and how she makes it known she too wants a piece of the action. Whilst she can’t hold herself up, she does desire more and more to sit up and look around, and we have the bumbo out now so that she can join us on the table for dinner times. I love seeing how much she loves to be in the middle of us all and smiles at each of us when we catch her eye. She loves her family and we love her being here in it.

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And saving the best til last…Alice’s most major thing at this stage is that she had her first flying experience and was a little superstar! We got back yesterday from a lovely couple of days in Hamburg and aside from hating the cold on Day 1, she was lovely to have with us and very easy going. She has this crazy ear piercing scream she does now when she wants feeding and the people of Hamburg certainly knew she was in there midst on several occasions, but other than that she is an absolute delight and a very chilled little lady!

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We are excited for her 1st Christmas next week and the continuing adventures she will bring us in 2017! I actually find it so mad to think she is now very quickly coming up to the half way mark of her first year. Time needs to slow down so I can treasure my little rainbow for a little longer in the baby stage!

 

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