Ethan and Megan are massive Peppa Pig fans and so one of our summer bucket list adventures was to go to “Windy Castle”. Lucky for me, shortly after this request a living social deal came up for “Bolton Castle” and so I was on it! Even though we are 3 days into Autumn, I think with everything we’ve been through we can be forgiven for not quite making it with the end of summer deadline!
With the events of the last 7 days (which I will get around to sharing once I can find the strength and right words) the kids really haven’t spent a lot of time doing family stuff with us, whilst we have all been together at Nathans family home, the two of us have been so busy planning Poppies funeral that we’ve probably neglected the little chicks (Thank goodness for amazing aunts, uncles and grandparents)!
Today I just wanted to stay in bed, or at least in my PJs. I didn’t want to go out… why would I, ill probably bump into women with babies and be around people that have no idea what I am feeling inside or understand why I really cannot be bothered to smile back at them! I knew Nathan was right though, we needed a family day and we needed to use the voucher!
On the way up there we reflected upon everything for a bit and we both felt like we had pressed pause on life when Poppy was born and then when we came home last night it was play again – because of that “pause” mode we haven’t really had time to digest whats happened or properly grieve the loss of our baby. We have literally been in survival mode to make the funeral as perfect as we could for her and now back home reality kicks in as does the pain of all that has happened. In some ways it is good we have Ethan and Megan that means we do have to force ourselves out and have some family fun. Today was difficult but “Windy castle” blew away some of the hurt I felt this morning and we had a lot of fun together laughing and climbing around the place! Megan loved pretending to be a “pwinsess” which brought a smile to our faces and warmth to our hearts!
A friend told me yesterday that grief comes in waves; some waves are small and pass quickly, maybe a few minutes. Others are huge, come one after another that we feel like we are drowning with it and cant even breath at times. One things for certain though is that there will be breaks in the waves where the pain will ease for a bit and we will be able to cope for a little bit longer. I am grateful for a couple hours of break between the waves that I could go out, feel peace in the countryside and smile with my family before another crashes upon me!