I wasn’t planning on a post today – or tonight even. I was yesterday, about something completely different, but I was far too busy to do anything about that. And so, here we are tonight.. alone in the kitchen with my thoughts, and making a sneaky snack whilst the house is silent (there’s a first!). And so of course I’ve reached for the laptop to blog, and well… basically brain dump to you all!

I don’t really know where I am going with this, other than to share with you all that I have felt troubled for the last few days. Yes troubled and weighed down (and a little heavy too). I have felt overwhelmed with all I am doing and are responsible for, and just generally in need of a mega rest. Subsequently I have spent many moments questioning what my priorities need to be and if I need to cut something out? or of it will even make a difference?

I still don’t know the answer to that, or if it really is the solution to what I feel. You see I think I know why I am so melancholy and irritable. It’s the same reason it always is – the fact that I feel this way comes down to, and always seems to come back to, the fact that I carry a burden daily of loss. Yes some days I carry that better than others (with ease really) but still it is a daily thing and some day’s it’s far from easy!

I feel at the moment that I am in a place where I wonder where the peace is? Where did the ease go that I felt a few weeks ago with this? and why do I feel this torture more so some days? why can’t I get a grip or rather just a break from it all?

I do not get how you heal when a part of you is missing? It just doesn’t make sense, and as much as I try, and seem to make progress, something happens and I am right back to “poor old me” and feeling the strain and unfairness of it all again.

I don’t want to get over “it” and move on, because to me it means we move on from her and that isn’t really an option! You cannot possibly move on in life from someone you love. But I do want to feel lighter, and I don’t want to keep feeling weak, and feeling like a missing part in life. I don’t want to keep pretending on days I feel rotten, and I am tired of feeling vulnerable and tender on a regular basis because we are bombarded with one trigger or reminder after another.

Some days I feel great and life feels almost normal to me, and then on others I feel so tender, delicate and generally overwhelmed so easily by the things I once bore with ease.

I want to remember her – our 3rd little girl. But I don’t want to accept this, by putting on a headstone to see for reals that in there is my daughters body. The body I grew and fought so hard to save, but that I failed at! The body I only held briefly and never kissed enough. I don’t want to see the name we never get to speak without awkwardness, but then I want to acknowledge her existence and reality to us!

I don’t want to acknowledge it, but then I do.

I want to talk about her and remember her, and I want to forget the trauma of it all.

I want to remember she existed and what she brought to our life and family. But I want to forget how she never took a breath, and how I had to birth her body with no life.

I want to remember how she looked so similar to Megan, and yet I want to forget that I will never know if she would have the same characteristics.

I want to remember her every day, but I want to forget the pain that that brings.

I want to remember the facts of her life, her illness and condition. And of course I want to forget how poorly we were treated and how she was never given a chance!

But I cannot forget any of it. Because I want to remember. And this – every painful part, is her story, and therefore our story. It is what makes me me now. I have hard days. I have overwhelming days. And days I cannot bear to remember what I saw and went through. And whilst I may never be able to accept and be okay with the fact my daughter died, I love her and so I live each day, as best as I can with that missing part. I have hope there is a purpose in it. I hope there will be far more days of Joy and peace to come to us and return as they have done, to give us a rest. But mostly I hope we never forget, because I want there to be purpose in the pain and I want to remember that I birthed an Angel!

I want to remember, but for the sheer overwhelming feelings of pain and grief that that brings, some days I just want to forget!


Last week Megan turned 5, and whilst a simple, low key affair to mark the day, she was over the moon to be rocking a couple more princess dresses, eating a barbie cake with family, and starting off her palace pets collection. She had several princess dresses, my little ponies and barbies at the top of her wish list, with a desire to do “G0 Ape” for her family day out activity! Its plain to see that she still drifts somewhat between the tomboy adrenaline seeker and gracious princess, and we love the vast differences that make her her and generally such great fun to be around.

Megan hasn’t change a whole lot in the last 12 months (other than height wise); she is still the epitome of sass, has an infectious laugh and imagination, is very funny, loving, overly emotional and a complete nutter. But one thing I have noted is how good and kind she is – I often describe her as being full of goodness, and she really is!

In her 4th year of life Megs has gone through some really big things with a new baby last summer, starting school in September, moving house a few weeks ago, and then starting school all over again last week. Of course you wonder how this might affect the kids (especially the first two with her being the “baby” for so long), but I was super proud to see that she embraced each of these huge things wonderfully and has taken them in her stride. She is now writing well, reading at a steady pace, has received all kinds of awards at her old school and makes friends easily. She adores her baby (most of the time) and really smothers her…overall she is growing into a really lovely young lady (with lots of sass).

At 5 years old I want to remember how much she now loves unicorns, princesses, accessories, dress up, movies, the beach, seeing her cousins and of course banter with her siblings.

I want to remember how she needs snuggles one minute and goes nuts if you touch her the next.

I want to remember how stubborn she is…how she mostly thinks she knows best, argues with me over ridiculous things, roles her eyes and bosses everyone about (and of course holds the biggest grudges)!

I want to remember the stories she fabricates (and that teachers believe), and how she believes most of what she watches.

I want to remember how much she loves food, treats, bakery’s, ice-creams, cheese pizza and pasta, and talks about places like Pizza Hut and Domino’s like she’s a regular.

I want to remember her love for animals, her goal to be a vet and marry a farmer, and how she craves adventures!

I can’t wait to see her in a couple of weeks at Go Ape and see how she grows in her 5th year of life. How the heck is she 5 already?


Run Jump Scrap!

I have avoided my blog this week as I have just felt utterly exhausted. It is a feeling that is all too familiar, and a tiredness that comes as a result of my heart being sad and my head trying to accept the news of loss. You see on Tuesday my dear Granddad passed away – he went home, and I’ve felt pretty numb and melancholy ever since.

I do not cope well with loss, I mean who does? But for me it resurfaces the pain and emotions I work hard to suppress and keep a lid on day in day out. I find that grief for new people takes me back to places I do not want to go and I end up having a mess of the sadness of them mixed in with the sadness of losing my baby and others. Therefore other than a sentiment on my social media, I have avoided talking about it with few people aside from my Mum, Dad, Nath, Sisters and Cousins, and have done well not be too emotional though I do feel so inside!

I now find it rather odd to now be writing about all of this under the heading of an “Ordinary Moment”. Everything about my granddad is far from ordinary; he was unique and one in a million, and his passing is far from an ordinary event or moment in life, but has been the main event of my life this week. To lose someone that was such a mighty presence in our family stands alone as a moment that is both incredibly sad and heartbreaking both in our family, and news that radiates to be sad to many that knew him.

I find that life is made up of moments that on the surface may be seemingly ordinary to others and yet are huge to us. We are a close family, he was a great example to us…a strength, friend and teacher to us all and this week has been full of moments that have been made better by my family, as we all share in the same love and appreciation for who he was in each of our lives. He was funny, and one of the greatest men we have been blessed to know. My sister summed it up perfectly when she said “To know granddad was to love him…our loss is heavens gain” – how very true!

I have felt sad but have enjoyed a week of laughing with my sisters, cousins and family all the same as we have shared our treasured memories and stories of this great man we were blessed to call “Granddad”. Reminiscing is good for the soul, as is being with the great family that have come as a result of 2 people falling in love (possibly around) sixty something years ago (?!).

I love my cousins; they are some of my closest friends and I have felt blessed that that relationship has meant we can lean on one another through messages, chats and long afternoons sat on the beach! Apparently I am not the only one that finds solace and comfort in the beach when my heart is aching as yesterday some of us gathered to the coast where we have fond childhood memories with family and grandparents and we had a beach day. Some went in the sea whilst others just sat with snacks and the kids looking out to sea and chatting and laughing about all sorts. We then ate dinner together and laughed some more.

How grateful I am for cousins, sisters, aunts, uncles, beaches and of course parents that can share in these memories of someone so special to us all. How grateful I am for great teachers and examples in my life in the form of Grandparents.

With loss on my mind and in my heart it is hard to find meaningful things to talk about on my blog right now, I have a few reviews I need to process this week and we are moving Thursday and Friday so it will be a really odd and busy week. But I will tell you that my Granddad was such a mighty presence in our family, and thus will be a great absence, and that is very sad news to accept. And whilst it has been a week of not sleeping properly and feeling out of sorts with this news, and knowing I must grieve at some point soon, thus resurfacing sadness already present, it has been a week of feeling incredibly grateful for the gift of such great grandparents, and friends in my sisters and cousins all of whom have given greatness to my life and are an example of the roots we share!




I can’t remember a day recently that was so chilled and tranquil for me as Wednesday was. The sun was shining, I had on my shades and trainers, only a cardigan, and I met up with some friends (and their’s) for a walk and wander around some localish RHS Gardens. With Spring in the air and nature coming alive again, it was just a lovely day and opportunity to catch up with people I haven’t seen for a while, have some jokes, and enjoy the outdoors and fresh air!

It has been a long time since I went anywhere like this just because and to enjoy it for me more than the kids, or rather have an opportunity to enjoy it for me without the madness of rowdy kids!

For the last few years I have hunted for places where the kids can be outside in beautiful surroundings; to just play, picnic, explore and chase nature! RHS Harlow Carr was always one of these favourite spots we went to in the spring and summer (along with some national trust places too) and memories of walks there flooded my mind as I entered again this week. It seemed like 2 minutes ago I was there with Megan last year hunting for Easter bunnies and now she is in school (sob)! This time it obviously felt different; quieter and more chilled and a feeling of tranquillity filled my soul (especially as I solo’d it back to the car in the afternoon) and it made for the lovely time I had.

There seemed to be more opportunities to look and appreciate the daffodils, babbling beck and sun beams through the trees. I noticed a little robin hopping about on the branches and signs of a new season all around me. My whole mind was in the moment as oppose to looking around to see what mischief they were up to and it felt a little foreign, but refreshing too. It felt great to realise that I like to walk around gardens and woods too and that I like to do this for me – outside of mummy duties to give them a childhood. It got me thinking about how I can have these ordinary moments for me and don’t need my little crew of kids with me to visit our favourite spots, but I can push (or carry) Alice and do this for me too (if I can get passed the emotions of nostalgia).

It was also nice to chat with other mum’s in a similar stage of life and for them to talk about Poppy too in an easy/non awkward way – those moments are always appreciated and make her feel more present and my loss validated and me a little less weird!

I realise now, or maybe am accepting that I am in a new chapter now that my oldest kids are in full time school and just have a little content baby who is happy to go with the flow and is no trouble at all. I often am reminded I should have a toddler too and think sometimes that stops me from seeing those with toddlers more often, but I don’t and this is my life now. I haven’t been out a whole lot with Alice aside from the odd park walk with a couple of friends or shopping and the occasional baby group – its all kind of random and sporadic. But Wednesday reminded me how good it is to get out with people and laugh and chat. How good it is to go to places like this that I enjoy just for me and just because.

It won’t be long before we are back in the stage of seeking places for fun and daily adventures with an inquisitive tot in tow, but for now I can and should make the most of having a baby that goes with the flow and take her along to places that will bring me a sense of joy and contentment too, places that fill my soul with joy and a sense of tranquillity (gardens, forests, beaches). I need to make more plans for opportunities to chat and laugh and I need to be less of a hermit… How nice it is to have moments of peace and feel the sun on your skin – opportunities to “smell the flowers” and appreciate the changes and beauty in nature.


The Ordinary Moments