Whilst a huge Green Day fan, this post is not an appreciation of their music and lyrical choice, but rather one reflecting on what an awful month September has suddenly become in my life. I always used to love the month of September with the haul of new school wear and stationary, seeing friends again and the crispness of Autumns approach, but now? Well now my experience is that it is the month that takes my kids from me and that’s all a little too much…September seems like such a let down in comparison to the wonderful Summer we have enjoyed.
Whilst life has felt happy and blessed for us recently, especially over the last few weeks I have known in my mind that September has been fast approaching ready to bring with it Megan starting full time school and of course the anniversary of Poppy’s Passing, her birth and funeral.
I didn’t think that Megan going to school full time would bother me emotionally, in fact every time I have pondered on it I have felt far more excited for her than emotional about this next stage of life, because after all she has seemed so excited herself and ready for it, and I personally felt adjusted to school life with a year of it with Ethan. But more recently I have felt really emotional about loosing her to school and not having the fun, chats and adventures we have become accustom to. The nearer it gets I actually get a lump in my throat and that pit in my stomach, because when it is placed a week or so away from the date we lost her baby sister I suddenly get that urge to gather my little chicks in close to keep them safe and cannot bare the thought of her being away from home or not seeing that funny little lady all day. I really feel like I am going to miss her and have that same “where has the time gone, did we do enough?” feeling that I did as E was starting school. Wake me up when September ends, I can’t stand saying goodbye to the one who has been my littlest for so long…far longer than she was intended to be.
I then see on the horizon as I am adjusting to this new stage with 2 kids in full time school, and whilst I have joked about it being amazing I actually feel a little sad about that and picture me the loner at home missing those little voices and things we used to do. Remembering I should have a toddler with me too. A handful of days later then and I will be plunged into a week of anniversaries that combined are easily the worst week of my life, and the closer it gets to those dates the more I feel the emotions rising and anxiety about reliving it all again surfacing. That pit in my stomach mixed with butterflies and all I can do is swallow, take a deep breath and fight back the tears. It reminds me again how fragile my heart became the day we lost Poppy and it feels a little more stingy again. It pains me so very much that in just a couple of weeks we should be having fun celebrating 2 years with another child but instead I am deliberating over how we will remember a life short lived 2 years on. The remembering hurts again and it reminds of me of that awful dark Sunday that they told us our daughter had no heartbeat and that 2 days later she would be stillborn. How painful that day was, how numb I felt, my worst nightmare became a living reality and I am yet to find words to truly convey that feeling to you. Wake me up when September ends because it hurts too much to remember that my daughter died before I could meet her.
There are few things more painful than your child’s birthday without them. A day that was supposed to be beautiful and happy is remembered as painful and incredibly sad and there honestly isn’t a day that goes by that I do not think of Poppy, that I don’t notice in the shops the 2-3 clothes or little tots, and wonder what she would be wearing, doing, saying or what she would be like. Oh how our lives would be different. I think of how it would be going out with 4, how it would feel to be pushing Alice and Poppy in a double pushchair, how it would be like having Ethan and Megan all over again and how would we look as a family of 6! I wonder what we would be buying her for her birthday, who would be at her little party and of course thinking its only a couple more years and she too will be starting full time school like her big sister. But these are things I will never know, perhaps was never meant to know but never had the chance to as she was gone too soon. I don’t get to go birthday shopping for her or see her cards on the bookcase like the the other kids. I don’t get to spend the next few weeks hyping it up for her or making her her favourite breakfast. I will make a cake but she won’t be there to blow out her candles…Wake me up when September ends because there is nothing more painful than your child’s birthday without them here.
A week later we remember her funeral. The tiny casket. The flowers. The sad and feeling sorry for us faces. The songs that take me back when I hear them now and me and my husband carrying our daughter out of the church and upto her grave in a box. The moment he lowered her in was the darkest of my life, it broke me to know that was it and I would never hold her here again, see or touch her. That was it, her body was laid to rest within a week of it being born and all you can wonder is Why? What is the purpose in all of this? I couldn’t leave her but nor could I stay and stare into a hole in the ground. I feel broken when I remember that, burial is so final. Wake me up when September ends because no parent should have to bury their baby or remember it for the rest of their life.
Grief has taught me that the anticipation of the anniversary is often far more difficult than the day itself. Whilst the day is emotional and reflective, it also can be quite peaceful too. And so as we head towards those dates on the calendar and I begin to feel a little more fragile about it all, as I try my best to cope with all of the goodbyes of September and then settle on how I want to celebrate her at 2, I hope that it will be easier than how it now feels looking towards it. I expect I will have a couple of PJ days between now and then to feel it, and I am hoping I don’t cry too much for Megan starting school and that I will find enough to fill my time with just Alice so that I can enjoy our time together. I hope the anniversaries of Poppy’s Passing, birthday and funeral are kind days and can be made positive in someway. I just hope I can survive another September with out her here. Wake me up when September ends because part of me doesn’t want to wait and see, I just want to skip over it!