Still a Birth

One of the possible outcomes of carrying a child with Trisomy 18 is that they will not make it to birth or die during delivery. Whilst we knew this was always a possibility we never imagined it would be our reality.

This weekend I began to feel unwell with a persistent headache and was still experiencing very sharp contractions 10-15mins but never getting closer. Sunday afternoon I also realized that I hadn’t felt Poppy move in a while, with all this combo I felt it best I get assessed and so called the hospital. With my symptoms, along with blood pressure being a little high and protein found in my urine the midwife felt it best the DR come check me over. Whilst we awaited his arrival she tried to listen in to baby – I say tried because she wasn’t successful in finding anything. As she put the doppler to my stomach and moved it around my heart sank; “theres no heart beat is there?” – She thought faintly there was or maybe it was babies positioning…”the Dr will do a scan and we will see whats going on”…Nathan and I just stared at each other and held hands, we both knew but hoped so much it wasn’t!

There are not many words to describe the sheer sadness you feel staring at a scan, looking at your perfect little baby but then seeing no activity. Seeing no heartbeat in the chest cavity, no blood flow in the body…she had already gone! What a blow! Our beautiful special baby taken already, it just felt a little too soon. The room was heavy and quiet and we just hugged each other fighting back tears!
The hardest part of this is that of having to give birth to her now knowing what we know. This was always my fear and sadly it is our reality. The next step is induction , where I will be sure to be asking for an epidural or something VERY strong – I cannot bear the thought of so much physical pain entwined with the sadness and emotional pain we will feel. We plan to take lots of pictures, for our family to hold her, for us to have some time before we say goodbye for good. Life seems so cruel doesn’t it? as if the emotional grief of loosing your baby too soon isn’t enough you have the physical event of delivery to have to go through. I do not know why this is my experience, I do not know why I never got to hold her alive and I do not know why I felt to fight so hard when all along she was never meant to be born alive… but then with that I think it doesn’t matter though what I don’t know or what I can’t answer right now because what I do know should be my focus and that is I know God lives, that he has purpose in all things, that he will strengthen us as we face this massive pain and loss, that the darkest of days ahead will still have a glimmer of hope because of those around us and that we were still the parents of a precious miracle that defied the odds of her diagnosis by making it this far.

None of us could have got this far without the love, faith, friendships and prayers of so many. The next part of the journey will be the hardest, I cannot bear to think of the pain I will feel, the grief, the emotions and thoughts I will experience. Its such a sad sad thing to be told. I touch my belly and push on it and she doesn’t push back…I will hold her knowing shes already gone, knowing ill never hear her cry, never get to feed her, never take her out anywhere. But I will see her again and I take comfort in the knowledge of a Saviour that holdsĀ her and will hold us all and grant us peace!

christ with baby

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26 Comments

  1. September 15, 2014 / 7:49 am

    So sorry to hear this Mary. Thinking and praying for you and your lovely family. Thank you for sharing your beautiful testimony x

    • toni miles
      September 15, 2014 / 11:00 pm

      Mary my hear truly is breaking for you. It’s just way too sad for words. It sure is unfair and you’re absolutely right life is not fair! Wonderful people like you who have ao much to give get something so precious taken away. But you will meet again thats for sure. God bless you and your family. Much love. Xxx

  2. Kitty Bywaters
    September 15, 2014 / 8:20 am

    Oh Mary, my heart is aching so much for you right now. You and Nathan are such incredible people. I don’t know what to say, just that I love you so much, and we’ll keep praying for you.

  3. jenny
    September 15, 2014 / 9:52 am

    Hi mary. Its cousin jenny. Ive been following your comments on facebook/blog since you announced poppies diagnosis. You are so strong and an inspiration to us all, i ball my eyes out at any given opportunity for you and have a little grieve myself. How fantastic that we have the knowledge of forever, that we can raise children in the next life that havnt had the chance in this life. There was a talk in general conference a couple of years ago ( not sure of the guys name) but he had lost a young child and spoke of how he wasnt sure how he could ever “get over it”, till he then realised that he doesnt have to get over it, that child was still part if his family. I think of you and your little family often. Lots of love jenny xx

  4. September 15, 2014 / 11:17 am

    I am sorry for your loss. May God and His angels attend you.

  5. june joseph
    September 15, 2014 / 11:23 am

    Mary, how truly Christlike you are. To thank God in this time of trial is truly saintly. Mary, heartfelt thanks for your little baby girl Poppy will open up to you interior light that always provides something in return for loss.
    ….fear not; for in this world your joy is not full, but in me your joy is full….Seek the face of the Lord always, that in patience ye may possess your souls, and ye shall have eternal life.” D&C 101:36,38
    Know that Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ are near you today. Angels will bear you up and the healing in His wings will succor you and give you strength both today and in the coming days ahead. I know this to be true for I witnessed these things for my self. I love you – auntie June

  6. Layla
    September 15, 2014 / 11:58 am

    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, I hoped so much you’d get to take her home.

    I know how painful it is to lose a baby before birth – but please find consolation in the fact she knew you as her whole world, you fed her inside you, held her, she felt the rush of love from you every time you thought of her. She never left that world of love and comfort, with her mummy as her universe. Babies know so much more than we think before birth, you did a very selfless thing allowing her to experience that soft, gentle, painless life surrounded by love even though you knew it would be so painful for you. x

  7. Janna
    September 15, 2014 / 7:49 pm

    Sorry to hear of your loss, pain, and grief. My Heart goes out to you.

  8. Helen
    September 15, 2014 / 8:29 pm

    What a wonderful Testimony Mary. So sorry to hear this sad news. I Pray for you and your family and hope you feel comfort from all the prayers and thoughts from everyone. Stay strong lovey. Your Heavenly Father is very much aware of you and the trials you and your family are going through at this time. Take care lovey. God Bless you.

  9. Petrice
    September 15, 2014 / 9:18 pm

    It truly is a cruel world, I am so, so sorry for your pain. Hugs, prayers and love for you all at this sad time. xx

  10. Alex Gray
    September 15, 2014 / 9:18 pm

    Thank you for sharing these beautiful words! Your sweet angel had done all she needed to do on the earth, and now is going to do wonderful things somewhere else. I don’t expect that will make you feel any better, as you want to hold her now, but I truly believe families are forever and this life will feel like a blink of an eye. You are in my prayers. Much love at this hard time. X

  11. September 15, 2014 / 9:31 pm

    No words can express how you must be feeling during this time. You will be in our prayers. Jonathan and Brianne Burge

  12. Andrea Hinchliffe
    September 16, 2014 / 6:08 am

    My mother went through a similar experience in the 1950s. Those were the days when they whisked the baby away and she didn’t even get to see him. But she named him and mourned him all her life. I think it was one of the reasons she joined the Mormon church because there she found the comfort she needed in the belief that she will have the opportunity to raise her precious boy in the eternities. It gave me great comfort when she died, that she would at last be with the baby she lost and loved. I’m looking forward to seeing my big brother too! You’re right to say ‘still a birth’. Still memories to be nurtured and another life to look forward to. My thoughts and prayers are with you and all who have been affected by this. Xx

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