No going back

I sometimes think back on moments in my life and wish I could go back..even for just one day. When I compare them to how life is now it all seemed so much simpler and easier. Life is funny like that isn’t it? Often we are so focused on the next chapter we miss whats happening in the here and now; When we’re single we usually want to be dating, dating we hope for marriage…having kids then we can’t wait for them to grow up so we don’t have to endure another day of whining!! I look back at school days (as if that was like 12 yrs ago – SHEESH) that at the time seemed like the bane of my life put me back there, at least the biggest thing on my mind was what to wear or how i’d avoid detentions! I’ve learnt that things previous to Poppy’s death that seemed tough were in reality far easier to go through than this – well except PND but thats a whole other story!

I recently attended my first SANDS group meeting, it was everything that I expected a circle of crying women (and a couple of men) all sharing their story, I was apprehensive that it might be quite depressing and did I want to reflect on everything whilst it was all so raw? Well yes I did because contained within that circle was a group of men & women that wanted to know about Poppy and who understood EXACTLY how I felt and where I could speak my mind with no judgement, I cannot tell you how refreshing that was for the 2hrs that I was there, as painful as it was discussing our babies it was also comforting to share it with people that knew, we laughed together and cried together without anyone thinking we were depressed or loosing our minds and I cannot wait to go back next month!

One thing that really hit me was how one woman spoke of being a new person since loosing her babies, she taught me that getting back to “normal” is never going to happen, there is no going back to the person you once were because that person no longer exists – loosing a child will change you forever! She said some people in your life will be waiting for that thing that will never happen, for you to “get back to normal”, because of this, it can change the dynamics of relationships, it can make you feel under pressure to be the person people expect and it can be hard to move forward as your direction is blurred, but as hard as it is there is no getting back there. For me the Mary I was whilst pregnant was left at the door when I gave birth, I still find the same things funny (PHEW) I still am interested in some of the same things, but I can already see how my perspective of things, character and other stuff isn’t the same…
I have already decided that I need to let some things go not be so bothered (easier said than done) and its made me realize I actually want to live more spontaneously and not hold myself to “traditions” or “plans” but go on how I feel and live more here and now. I worry that this may make me a more selfish person as I have to protect myself and my emotions & think about ME more than I have ever done before, with that I often wonder how it will ripple to change my parenting methods, the type of wife, friend, daughter and sister I am. I loved my life, I loved the future we were looking forward to, I love that me & Nathan are closer than we’ve ever been, but I DON’T love that it was at the expense of loosing my child. Poppy has changed me, she has changed our family and life never will be the same again, there is no going back to the people we once were but the people we will become as a result will be shown in time. I wonder if grief also incorporates grieving the life & person you leave behind and the life you were looking forward to, as well as the loss itself? Who knows!

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