Christmas #2

As we visited Poppy’s grave the other weekend, we discussed how we couldn’t believe we were already approaching our 2nd Christmas without her, and to be honest, I think I am feeling it a lot more this year than last…Since we crossed the threshold to December, I have been pretty emotional, easily brought to tears and struggling through! Usually such an exciting month for us, its hit me this year what Christmas really feels like with a child in Heaven and its pretty rubbish and required more effort from me than I anticipated.
IMG_1626It began when we put the tree up last week and I came face to face with a “poppy” bauble from last year…a gift I treasured last year when it was given to me, but this year was hard to handle. I don’t quite know what it was about the scenario, but with seeing her name and realising she wasn’t here and thinking about all of the excitement we were approaching and her not to be here to enjoy it too, less gifts to buy and one less child to snuggle up, and just that we lost her, just crushed me and has been hard to bounce back from!
WP_20151209_09_58_23_ProWhen I think about last Christmas, just 2 months after her Stillbirth, I honestly think I was still so numb to it all and a little detached. I did a few weird things and cried some, but mostly I was emotionless and did my usual auto pilot stuff of going into the “What would Mary normally do” mode and then went with the flow of that, but yes, this year I cannot escape the thoughts of what Christmas, a celebration of Birth, a season of joy and families really feels like when the dust is settled and you reflect on its like with one less member here. I have no doubts, being Christian that Poppy lives on and is with Christ, I am growing to the faith that her purpose was never for this earth, too pure perhaps, but either way at times like this, that belief causes a lot of pain too, because to think so much of Him and his birth and life whilst giving us hope and light, also makes me sad that she is not here with me, her mother, to snuggle and bring gifts to, to show her the lights of Christmas and for her to be a giddy little kipper with her Brother and sister as they evaluate the reality of Santa (yes they are already doing that)!

It helped a lot yesterday, to spontaneously take Ethan and Megan to the shops and choose her some gifts for her grave. We Chose an oasis “P”, that my sister is going to help me to create a festive arrangement, and then a snowy Christmas tree and a snugly bird from her siblings – just a what a 1 year old would love I’m sure and then we got her some poppy red candles that we hope to light for her on Christmas day which the kids thought were fantastic. It was a lot of fun to choose them, to hear the kids talk of her, I loved that they chose the bird because “it looked more snugly in the cold”and to know I wasn’t sitting useless at home, not able to do anything for child #3 at Christmas time. I have certainly felt happier since getting these things.
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Finally on Saturday, as I drove solo listening (and singing very loudly) to my Christmas carols CD (cos I’m cool like that) the song “It came upon a midnight clear” brought tears to my eyes and stopped me in my bellowing tracks with the words:

It came upon the midnight clear,
That glorious song of old,
From angels bending near the earth,
To touch their harps of gold:
“Peace on the earth, goodwill to men
From heavens all gracious King!”
The world in solemn stillness lay
To hear the angels sing.

Still through the cloven skies they come,
With peaceful wings unfurled;
And still their heavenly music floats
O’er all the weary world:
Above its sad and lowly plains
They bend on hovering wing,
And ever o’er its Babel sounds
The blessed angels sing.

What a weary world we live in and how heavy life can feel, but however hard Christmas is this year and in years to come, I like to think that he whose birth we celebrate, allows all of our Angel Children to come through the skies, singing praises and whispering “Peace on earth, goodwill to men” to each of our hearts, that stillness and peace can be felt when we reflect on His birth and life. I know he knows our pains and wishes and I hope more peace and joy lies ahead in this season, because its pretty wearisome to have her missing!
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10 Comments

  1. December 9, 2015 / 11:02 am

    Although our circumstances and beliefs are different we are on such similar timelines of loss – this is also our second Christmas after losing our son (he died in October 2014). I’ve only just blogged about it too – this time of year definitely makes you reflect on so many ‘what ifs’. I’m so glad you have found comfort in choosing little gifts for your daughter and taking time to reflect through your faith. I hope you and your family are able to find joy in this festive season even if there are some moments of sadness too x

    • December 13, 2015 / 8:07 pm

      Hi Cath – Im sorry you too are living through this heartache and difficulty. That these occasions will rarely have the same sparkle and joy they once did! It sucks some days that all that has gone when our children did too!
      I am glad to have found something that helps me to hope, and I am sure you will have things too to bring you hope either now or in the future x

  2. December 9, 2015 / 11:13 am

    So utterly heartbreaking to read but so brave of you to write. I hope you manage to have the best Christmas you can with your lovely family. #bestandworst

    • December 13, 2015 / 8:04 pm

      Aww thank you Rachel – My blog helps me get it all out, the good times and the harder ones too x

  3. December 9, 2015 / 4:40 pm

    Such a lovely post Mary, I am sure Poppy is looking down on you and wishing you all a happy Christmas. I can’t imagine how hard these family times must be for you all, lots of hugs and festive cheer your way lovely. Thanks as always for linking up to the #bestandworst and see you next week 🙂

  4. December 9, 2015 / 8:20 pm

    Oh Mary you write so beautifully about your precious Poppy. Its lovely that the children are so involved in choosing gifts for Poppy. My thoughts will be with you all this Christmas my love xx

    • December 13, 2015 / 8:03 pm

      Thank you Tracey – I hope its a joyful time, though very reflective too x

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