This weekend I have been in Manchester to do my SANDS befriender training (which I will share with you more once I have digested it), and whilst it was nice to do something for myself, it felt really weird not being with Nathan and the kids over the weekend. In hindsight it couldn’t have come at a better time as it fell right at the start of half term, and with the weight of the subject for 2 solid days, I couldn’t be happier for a break from school this coming week and an opportunity to chill out with my little family. Six days (plus the weekends) of no school runs, mad dashes, clock watching and wondering where the uniforms are – blissful!
Instead I get to have them with me, I get hang out with my oldest 2 and we can look forward to lots of fun together. Mr Smith is also on annual leave and so we have loads of outings and adventures planned and I don’t know about the kids, but after spending 2 days away from them, and never quite getting back into school life after Christmas, I just feel like its going to be great fun and I actually can’t wait!
Term time is hard for me sometimes. Not always, just sometimes. For starters I am rubbish with the whole school run thing and getting there in good time, (most days its with 30 seconds to spare or as the gate is closing) but more so I have realised since both Ethan and Megan started school that Sometimes I really do miss my kids. Its seems funny sharing this, but then I guess parenting is a funny thing isn’t it? You spend your days tearing your hair out and trying to get little people to cooperate with you (or each other) and some days it reduces you to tears – Other days the brink of insanity. You look forward to bedtime like its Christmas, a shower like its a holiday, and you just hope for a day you can go to the toilet with out an audience. Most days are spent wishing for a moments peace, a dinner whilst its still hot and dressing on some level that is remotely stylish (but you would just accept snot free)! Its harder than any other “job” and a break is what you crave, yet when it comes, you realise how much you have grown to love the noisy mad life you lead.
For me, I mostly miss our outings and adventures – the busy days we enjoyed together exploring that only seem to come now in the holidays and occasional weekend. And whilst I do really like peace and quiet in my life, I do miss their chatter, their funny little characters, their outlook on life, and generally just their company. Of course I have days like every other parent where we are almost running to school (not always because we are late), so I can have a breather and a few moments of peace and quiet, but once that is over, once I have cleaned up and got the house in some order, or had an hour or 2 at the shops, I realise I miss them and the fun they bring to my life. I realise it all feels a little lonesome without my sidekicks.
I noticed this loads on our recent trip to Hamburg and discussed it at lengths with Mr Smith. Whilst I had been uber excited for a romantic city break together, and really needed it too, I found myself more anxious than normal about being away from the kids. I worried about all that could go wrong and stop us returning to them, and I generally missed sharing that experience with them. I learnt that we don’t have to go far away to have a break as a couple now (its just as lovely in a local hotel), and realised how much I truly love to have my kids travel with us and relish the adventure. I missed sharing the experience with them and seeing their faces at new sites and things. I missed the wonder, the questions and telling them stories…I just missed us being together as a family, doing something different and out of the ordinary, and missed kissing them goodnight. We both agreed that that’s okay, it wasn’t the same without them and in future we will all go!
Having kids was an easy choice for me, but not so easy in reality. I do find it a challenge, extremely tiring and some days I just want to write off. I know I could be less snappy, more attentive some days and more interactive too, but despite these things, I really do love motherhood, being a stay at home mum and being around the people that made me a mummy.
I don’t know if it is as my kids get older and become more aware that we aren’t there, or the fact one of our children died and I couldn’t stop that, and couldn’t bare that happening again. Perhaps its that missing of her so much and the pain of loss that has made me feel like I need to have all my others close. Or maybe its that we see so much horror in the news and I just can’t bear the thought of them being told mummy and daddy aren’t coming home because something happened …I just know that I miss being away from my kids for too long now and need to cuddle them tightly. I know that I feel most happy and content when we are all together, when my little chicks are close and safe in the nest and where I can show and tell them how much I adore and love them. I feel joy when they are where we can make memories together.
Life and its adventures are certainly richer when they are present.