Since when did I become the bright red, unfit, wobbly mother I used to laugh at as a Teenager? Karma is bad!!!
Last Wednesday I dusted off my trainers (literally they’ve been under the bed for a yr) and hit a ‘Box fit’ class with my friend! OH.MY.GOODNESS I thought I might ACTUALLY collapse! I am embarrassed to say I haven’t properly exercised in well over a year and it definitely showed. I couldn’t even do a flipping sit up! I just kept laughing my head off whilst having a sweat fest – who knows what the instructor was thinking! I ached for days after but it was totally worth it and I am feeling motivated with my new “fitness and swim” membership, and so I should with less treats this week and upping the work out I am pleased to announce I have lost 1.5lbs hahaha well its still a loss isn’t it so can’t complain!
My plan is box fit, pilates and a swim once a week MINIMUM! Skinny jeans here I come…although Saturday I turn 30 so who knows how many treats i’ll be chowing down on!
More awkward than when people don’t know your baby died and ask you about it is when your GP doesn’t know and asks at your 6week check ..are you breastfeeding??? ERRRRMMMM Is this some kind of sick joke? First she asked why I was there, something I asked myself – the obvious answer: “My 6 week check” and now this???
I went to this appointment reluctantly, to me I feel its another cruelty of loosing your baby; going through all of the motions and appointments of a new mother without your baby. Its like a big slap in the face and pretty naff; answering questions about the birth, about if we are wanting to try again? Its all just another reminder of what you don’t have. Why when your heart is so broken do they then drag you through all of that? in answer to her question I just responded (surprisingly calm) “no my baby was still born” – of course she was horrified, more so because she too had experienced such loss and knew straight away how I felt and that that was probs the last place I wanted to be on a wednesday morning…anyway after much apologizing and talking normally about the situation..one mother to another the awkwardness left.
I answered all of the usual questions and as I thought I’m fit and well and recovered from the birth..HA if only it took 6 weeks to recover from such a birth…so YES physically I am well recovered, mentally and emotionally this birth will always affect me and I doubt I will ever be fully healed from it.
I learnt during the appointment that because Poppy had Edwards apparently the hospital feel “no further appointments are necessary” – Oh right were here again are we? discriminating in life AND death – PFFFFTTTT! No follow up because she had Trisomy 18? No opportunity for us to talk about what happened? ask unanswered questions? I cannot believe after all we have been through we still have to fight for a certain level of care. Every parent I met at SANDS said they had had a follow up consultation to discuss it , yet apparently thats not necessary in this case?!Thankfully my GP was on it and said she will help me with this one as every parent that has had infant loss should be entitled to meet with Drs and talk about it all…Edwards or not! What a difference a DR with similar experiences makes.
After such a rubbish start to the day all I wanted to do was hide away again and have a good cry, but as in life it must go on and we had a couple of other things to do. We were however able to enjoy a lovely afternoon at Farmer Copley’s in Ponte! Im glad we made the effort to go and make the most of the the Autumn season, the kids enjoyed being with one of their cousins and had fun scrambling over hey bails, seeing all of the pumpkins, animals and a little tractor ride. But throughout it all my heart ached for my own little Pumpkin that isn’t here to do these things. How different this is from what 6 weeks postnatal was meant to be…
Its not what you know but who you know and man do I know some flipping mint peeps! Always on hand with snacks, dinner and treats to lift the grieving soul! Iv’e received all sorts of delights from friends and family around the world and I could not be more grateful – well until I try to wear normal clothes then I wanna hunt them all down and add them to my blacklist!
Here are some of the delights I have enjoyed this week that have helped me cope – Yes incase you hadn’t realized I do eat my feelings!!!!
- Almost the whole USA sized bag of peanut butter m&ms in bed the other night – No guilt only deliciousness!
- Weds my friends brought “Brunch” – Pain au chocolat, croissants…no other words needed
- Thursday a friend baked us some very delic choc chip cookies..2 each but Nath and I may have had 3 and only given the kids 1!
- Friday a friend took me for hot choc – obviously WITH cream and marshmallows followed by a delic Korma with the hubs for date night
- Sunday I was brought some M&S ice cream with homemade choc sauce
Is it any wonder then that this weeks weigh in only puts me at 168lb ive gained a ruddy pound!!!! I was tempted to weigh myself later in the day and see if it was lower if I went to the loo or not. That extra pound was potentially quite depressing but to be honest iv’e flipping loved everything Iv’e scoffed this week so I should be grateful it did no further damage and see if I can make more progress this next week.
I have my 6 week check tomorrow so I am hopeful that next week will be more of a party as I can start kicking my butt into shape and work off some serious L.Bs… Im not giving up hope just yet with my seemingly lofty weight loss goal!
I sometimes think back on moments in my life and wish I could go back..even for just one day. When I compare them to how life is now it all seemed so much simpler and easier. Life is funny like that isn’t it? Often we are so focused on the next chapter we miss whats happening in the here and now; When we’re single we usually want to be dating, dating we hope for marriage…having kids then we can’t wait for them to grow up so we don’t have to endure another day of whining!! I look back at school days (as if that was like 12 yrs ago – SHEESH) that at the time seemed like the bane of my life put me back there, at least the biggest thing on my mind was what to wear or how i’d avoid detentions! I’ve learnt that things previous to Poppy’s death that seemed tough were in reality far easier to go through than this – well except PND but thats a whole other story!
I recently attended my first SANDS group meeting, it was everything that I expected a circle of crying women (and a couple of men) all sharing their story, I was apprehensive that it might be quite depressing and did I want to reflect on everything whilst it was all so raw? Well yes I did because contained within that circle was a group of men & women that wanted to know about Poppy and who understood EXACTLY how I felt and where I could speak my mind with no judgement, I cannot tell you how refreshing that was for the 2hrs that I was there, as painful as it was discussing our babies it was also comforting to share it with people that knew, we laughed together and cried together without anyone thinking we were depressed or loosing our minds and I cannot wait to go back next month!
One thing that really hit me was how one woman spoke of being a new person since loosing her babies, she taught me that getting back to “normal” is never going to happen, there is no going back to the person you once were because that person no longer exists – loosing a child will change you forever! She said some people in your life will be waiting for that thing that will never happen, for you to “get back to normal”, because of this, it can change the dynamics of relationships, it can make you feel under pressure to be the person people expect and it can be hard to move forward as your direction is blurred, but as hard as it is there is no getting back there. For me the Mary I was whilst pregnant was left at the door when I gave birth, I still find the same things funny (PHEW) I still am interested in some of the same things, but I can already see how my perspective of things, character and other stuff isn’t the same…
I have already decided that I need to let some things go not be so bothered (easier said than done) and its made me realize I actually want to live more spontaneously and not hold myself to “traditions” or “plans” but go on how I feel and live more here and now. I worry that this may make me a more selfish person as I have to protect myself and my emotions & think about ME more than I have ever done before, with that I often wonder how it will ripple to change my parenting methods, the type of wife, friend, daughter and sister I am. I loved my life, I loved the future we were looking forward to, I love that me & Nathan are closer than we’ve ever been, but I DON’T love that it was at the expense of loosing my child. Poppy has changed me, she has changed our family and life never will be the same again, there is no going back to the people we once were but the people we will become as a result will be shown in time. I wonder if grief also incorporates grieving the life & person you leave behind and the life you were looking forward to, as well as the loss itself? Who knows!