Its not what you know but who you know and man do I know some flipping mint peeps! Always on hand with snacks, dinner and treats to lift the grieving soul! Iv’e received all sorts of delights from friends and family around the world and I could not be more grateful – well until I try to wear normal clothes then I wanna hunt them all down and add them to my blacklist!
Here are some of the delights I have enjoyed this week that have helped me cope – Yes incase you hadn’t realized I do eat my feelings!!!!
- Almost the whole USA sized bag of peanut butter m&ms in bed the other night – No guilt only deliciousness!
- Weds my friends brought “Brunch” – Pain au chocolat, croissants…no other words needed
- Thursday a friend baked us some very delic choc chip cookies..2 each but Nath and I may have had 3 and only given the kids 1!
- Friday a friend took me for hot choc – obviously WITH cream and marshmallows followed by a delic Korma with the hubs for date night
- Sunday I was brought some M&S ice cream with homemade choc sauce
Is it any wonder then that this weeks weigh in only puts me at 168lb ive gained a ruddy pound!!!! I was tempted to weigh myself later in the day and see if it was lower if I went to the loo or not. That extra pound was potentially quite depressing but to be honest iv’e flipping loved everything Iv’e scoffed this week so I should be grateful it did no further damage and see if I can make more progress this next week.
I have my 6 week check tomorrow so I am hopeful that next week will be more of a party as I can start kicking my butt into shape and work off some serious L.Bs… Im not giving up hope just yet with my seemingly lofty weight loss goal!
I sometimes think back on moments in my life and wish I could go back..even for just one day. When I compare them to how life is now it all seemed so much simpler and easier. Life is funny like that isn’t it? Often we are so focused on the next chapter we miss whats happening in the here and now; When we’re single we usually want to be dating, dating we hope for marriage…having kids then we can’t wait for them to grow up so we don’t have to endure another day of whining!! I look back at school days (as if that was like 12 yrs ago – SHEESH) that at the time seemed like the bane of my life put me back there, at least the biggest thing on my mind was what to wear or how i’d avoid detentions! I’ve learnt that things previous to Poppy’s death that seemed tough were in reality far easier to go through than this – well except PND but thats a whole other story!
I recently attended my first SANDS group meeting, it was everything that I expected a circle of crying women (and a couple of men) all sharing their story, I was apprehensive that it might be quite depressing and did I want to reflect on everything whilst it was all so raw? Well yes I did because contained within that circle was a group of men & women that wanted to know about Poppy and who understood EXACTLY how I felt and where I could speak my mind with no judgement, I cannot tell you how refreshing that was for the 2hrs that I was there, as painful as it was discussing our babies it was also comforting to share it with people that knew, we laughed together and cried together without anyone thinking we were depressed or loosing our minds and I cannot wait to go back next month!
One thing that really hit me was how one woman spoke of being a new person since loosing her babies, she taught me that getting back to “normal” is never going to happen, there is no going back to the person you once were because that person no longer exists – loosing a child will change you forever! She said some people in your life will be waiting for that thing that will never happen, for you to “get back to normal”, because of this, it can change the dynamics of relationships, it can make you feel under pressure to be the person people expect and it can be hard to move forward as your direction is blurred, but as hard as it is there is no getting back there. For me the Mary I was whilst pregnant was left at the door when I gave birth, I still find the same things funny (PHEW) I still am interested in some of the same things, but I can already see how my perspective of things, character and other stuff isn’t the same…
I have already decided that I need to let some things go not be so bothered (easier said than done) and its made me realize I actually want to live more spontaneously and not hold myself to “traditions” or “plans” but go on how I feel and live more here and now. I worry that this may make me a more selfish person as I have to protect myself and my emotions & think about ME more than I have ever done before, with that I often wonder how it will ripple to change my parenting methods, the type of wife, friend, daughter and sister I am. I loved my life, I loved the future we were looking forward to, I love that me & Nathan are closer than we’ve ever been, but I DON’T love that it was at the expense of loosing my child. Poppy has changed me, she has changed our family and life never will be the same again, there is no going back to the people we once were but the people we will become as a result will be shown in time. I wonder if grief also incorporates grieving the life & person you leave behind and the life you were looking forward to, as well as the loss itself? Who knows!
So when I gave birth I was 180lbs, the week after with shock and funeral planning and of course birth its self I dropped down to 168! GET IN! It then dawned on me that I could quite easily, from that point, get to about 140 by Christmas, after all that is only 2.5lbs a week! Its definitely fluctuated over the last 3 weeks, lost a lb gained 3 – not having the desire to cook and ordering in or giant cookies and milk before bed and several choc bars are not the way forward to shedding weight.. but a fresh start and some accountability here at week 1 of my official weigh in I am pleased to say I am 167
WOW super pleased! Its been a rough week emotionally and when I ate a very large chunk of the 400g bar of Galaxy (at least half) and choc cake at E’s party, not to mention the Indian sat I honestly expected to see a larger number than that! I have been making more effort to do cleaner lunches and dinners to try and balance out my emotional eating of every treat going. I still darent try on my skinnys.. i might save that one for next week!
I cannot believe I have been “Mrs Smith” now for 5 years! This last weekend was our 5 year anniversary and it was great to actually get dressed up and get out together. On recommendation we went to a fab restaurant in Hudds called “Temujin” and we certainly were not disappointed! The whole atmosphere was amazing and just a really fun place to eat, yet relaxing and chilled too.
The Food in one word? Delic! Its a stirfry bar where you can go back as many times as you wish, choose your own oils, sauces, meats and veg and boom, the lovely chefs fire up their woks (literally) and cook you up a yummy dish. I enjoyed Kangaroo – yes that’s right Kangaroo in a lovely thai curry and oyster sauce, calamari & prawns in Thai red curry & monk fish in black bean sauce. Whilst at the bar they bring rice to your table and then you enjoy, and thats exactly what we did I just absolutely loved everything about it and have put it in my top 10 places to eat…love it!
Whilst eating we reflected on what 5 years together have brought us, other than a few greys for Nath and extra pounds for both of us…
- We’ve lived in 2 houses together; the first rented and you could barely swing a cat…not that we tried, we dont like cats but I imagine you wouldn’t have been successful! The second is where we live now, we bought it about a year after we were married.
- We’ve had some fun holidays/weekends breaks; our honeymoon in mexico, Dublin, London, Malaga, Scotland, Wales, Cornwall, Durham..
- We’ve bought 5 cars – if you buy cheap you take a risk – one only lasted a week and broke down on our way home from wales…it was bad!
- 3 kids..Ethan 2010, Megan 2012, Poppy 2014
- 1 funeral for our daughter
- Nath was made redundant and went back to uni
- I became a SAHM
- We’ve become aunt and uncle to 12 nieces and nephews
I think thats basically the major points that sum up our 5 years together. We’ve had some tears , well actually quite a lot recently when we lost Poppy (which we never thought would happen to us – why would you?) but thankfully we have had way more laughs & fun times together, most weekends we manage to have a date together and every anniversary and Valentines we’ve gone away together. We made a goal on our honeymoon that we would go abroad every 5 years, which for this year we are still deciding location! Naths nagged me about spending & I’ve whined about being skint but we somehow have always managed! I’ve nagged him about cleaning and he’s whined about laundry and ironing but who cares, were pretty much past all that now and I know these early years are what we will look back on and laugh about. Loosing Poppy was so hard for us both but also brought us closer in ways we never thought. Everything we have gone through has strengthened us both in new ways and taught us lessons on what we like and don’t and how we want our future to be.
I love everything about Nathan and cannot believe how that love continues to grow more and more each year. He makes me feel confident and treasured and we both feel that as long as we stick together we can get through pretty much anything together and usually crack a smile and share some jokes in the process. I look forward to seeing what awaits us for the next 5 …