Both Ethan and Megan attend a Montessori school and therefore have a real focus on life skills and independence.
I hear excellent reports of how able they are with food prep and general helpfulness in a kitchen setting, so I have been trying really hard to let them be more independent around the home too – I’m not keen on mess and to be honest I get annoyed when they don’t do it my way (I know its bad) anyway today I decided to let them help make their own dinner, after all, how difficult would scrambled egg on toast be??

eggs

 

brummymummyof2
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Last year I lost a tonne of weight pretty quickly by switching our habits to “Clean eating”. Many people asked why I was on a diet? and had to clarify that Clean eating is not a diet but lifestyle change, it was introduced to me by some of my inlaws and involves eating better food options that are fresher and more natural to help your body be more lean and energized. This book became my food bible and its brill:
the-clean-lean-cookbook4fc3578abd745_3You can enjoy a treat once a week and not feel guilty, though to be honest the more you get into adopting this lifestyle the more balanced and wise your decisions become. When I first started out on it I was VERY strict for 4 weeks, no carbs, no gluten , dairy and no sugar. After that I introduced a few better than before options, so we went back to some pasta and rice but went for brown instead of white as with wraps. Feta and mozzarella instead of cheddar and the occasional potatoes too in a roast or jacket form ūüôā YUM! So pre pregnancy I felt I had an excellent balance of what I ate, and this became our lifestyle and natural choices and as a result I hovered around the 138lb mark as what I ate didn’t cling onto me as FAT…

¬†I have tried super hard this week to focus on food and change what I eat. It has been HARD! Not because I don’t enjoy healthy foods, as I said I really do, but I haven’t had the energy to cook from scratch, and make the right things…a frozen pizza or ready made lasagna is far easier when you can’t function and things haven’t really tasted right either when I have tried. I think our family are lucky to have eaten at all but unfortunately for Dominos and Asda bakery our money is going to be spent else where as I am ready now and focused on eating clean again and always!

Im changing it gradually over a couple of weeks as I am still very much in a state of grief and personally know if I go strict straight away I will be set up for failure.¬†I’ve swapped jars for home made sauces, pizza for wolemeal pitta pizza, white pasta/rice for brown, cows milk for coconut or rice, cereal for porridge oats and cutting out sugar Monday to Friday.

Some of my fave meals this week

  • Wholemeal pitta with red pesto, red onion, tomato and mozzerella with salad
  • Mushroom rice with salad
  • Wholewheat spagghetti with homemade quorn/tomato sauce
  • Tuna steak, sweet potato mash and green beans
    food
    To be honest from what I learnt last year is that for my family being that strict isn’t realistic for us – what I love about the book is that it has “bad, better, best” tables and as long as our meals fall into ‘better or best’ im happy and maintain a good physique, what I have on my side this time is that I am also in a good exercise regime too!

These small changes to my lifestyle have meant I have lost 1.5lbs and am now at 165lb – I’m pretty confident that as I maintain these eating habits, the weight WILL drop off.¬†

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In 1998 the Goo Goo Dolls released a song called “Iris” – it was used on the film “City of Angels” and with the angelic connection I think that maybe that’s why I have been listening to it a lot recently because it really makes me think of Poppy and everything that has happened. The chorus “I dont want the world to see me cause I don’t think that they’d understand” is the best way to describe how I feel at this stage of my grief and also how I felt when I was suffering years ago with PND/PPD.

I have a very blessed life; a great husband, children, big families with loads of laughs and excellent friends. We own our home, drive a car, take the occasional holiday and eat delicious food. What does someone like me with my lovely life have to be sad about? on the outside, other than a few extra quid, life couldn’t get much better – but wise people know “not to judge a book by its cover” as often what appears on the surface isn’t the true picture.
Not everyone in my life or the people I meet and see daily know that inside i’m treading water and if I stop I may sink because I am in a state of grief following the stillbirth of my 3rd child. Less people in my life knew 4 years ago, after the birth of little E my dreamy life was tarnished with an illness commonly known as PND – it was a dark period where to see myself made me angry, to hear my baby cry made me cry, to feed made me cringe and to feel happiness seemed impossible, I detached from things I enjoyed and cried A LOT! I became obsessed with cleaning my home and never went out without make up on, all to prove I could cope when in reality I was broken and life felt chaotic.

ethan 4m
Look at him a beautiful and content little boy – what did I have to be sad about? If only they knew – It was such a difficult time and something I have a fear of returning because of grief. Yes I worry if I cry too much it may turn into PND once again, you see I have days where I don’t want to go out, where I cry so much – to the midwife/health visitor classic PND signs, but I am learning whilst it feels familiar it is not because when the tears fall they are not because I am depressed but overcome with grief, my heart is broken and my arms empty. I stay in or live as a hermit at times because I don’t want to explain myself, I dont’t want to feel alone when surrounded by so many people and I know wherever I go something will remind me of my loss and those around wont ¬†know the grief, pain and emptiness I feel, in some ways like I did 4 years ago when everyone I met cooed over my new baby not knowing the battle I was fighting.

Ive thought about this a lot recently and thought of how my experience of Post natal depression compares to my experience of grief:

  • Both began with a birth but instead of new life and joy – pain, struggling and loneliness were born into my life
  • Both are emotional battles that only those who have experienced it can understand
  • Both take time to heal from
  • Because only a few people know it, grief and PND are very isolating and a very lonely place to be
  • Both put me in a state of auto pilot and only doing the absolute essentials
  • Both made it difficult to rest/take time out because someone was dependent on me
  • Both are taboo subjects that people close up and switch off from, making you feel awkward and wondering why you ever mentioned it

My daughter Poppy is something I want to remember, PND is something I want to forget and with remembering comes all of the emotions. I will always talk about her and I will always be reminded of her, it’s something I can’t always avoid nor want to but that doesn’t take away the initial and very present struggle I have. Often I DONT cover up my feelings with make up because I learnt 4 years ago to accept in difficulty that this is who I am right now and people probably think I look pretty rough some days but I know like with every other struggle it wont dominate forever and I’ll again have energy to care!

Whilst I healed from PND,and life went back to normal and I did become happy again (you will too) which in turn released me from it to move forward in my role as mother and get back to normal, I have learnt from others that I will never heal from this loss. I do have moments of joy, and periods where I can laugh (like I said I am blessed) but the reality of grief as oppose to my PND is that whilst I one day will be able to be in control of grief, the feelings from infant loss will always be carried with me, I will always have a hole in my heart as its not something I can leave behind when I have found happiness again because a part of me has left this earth and emotions may surface at any point whether it be in 2 yrs or 20 yrs. PND has left me being a little more protective over Ethan, perhaps even giving into him a little more than I probs should because of the guilt of it all but I can truthfully say my mind is healed.

There are people all around us suffering like me when on the surface their lives seem mint! Some battle health problems and disease, infertility or PND – the new mother in your class may not be as happy as she would have you believe, her life may be crumbling around her and I don’t know how many other women I cross paths with that know the heartache of infant loss…probably most of them “don’t want the world to see them” because they don’t think the world understands. There are those that do understand, whose heart connects instantly because of your loss or because you both climbed and conquered PND but the majority won’t understand, and may never, it doesn’t mean they cant support, can send you a love note, chocolate, flowers, go on a walk and listen to your madness and let you know you are loved and it will all be alright in the end. These things to me were and now during this difficulty are, a silver lining or a little ray of sunshine to this huge, no MASSIVE thunderstorm that will not disperse!

Look around you, you may not understand their journey but you can support & help them to find joy again in life.

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As If I don’t have enough on my plate and can barely function as it is without E&M not being as cooperative as one would hope – guaranteed its never one but both! This is my life and it rarely goes to plan! If I didn’t laugh on social media about it I too would probably be sporting a face like this….

wikid weds

Its cake and crisps РYOU CHOOSE THEM РWHAT.THE.FREAK

brummymummyof2
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