Most Tuesdays we attend a local playgroup (the only one we do go to) with the added bonus of snacks and a music and movement sess (hence why we go)! The weeks we don’t I am usually interrogated by Ethan and Megs and so I have learnt that its best just to keep it as part of our schedule!

I chose it as this weeks “Ordinary moments” because we always have so much fun together and its usually smiles all round and definitely the highlight of the week. I love to see their confidence increase to the point that they’re now up at the front moving and grooving and I love to see them teaming up as best friends out and about around other kids. I used to work for Charlotte who runs the session and so know all of the words and actions – I know the kids think i’m mint when im going for it!!!

Our fave things about the “Sing and Social”:
1. Toast – No matter how much breakfast they eat you’ve never seen 2 kids like these going nuts over some cold toast and a quarter of a crumpet
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2. Props – every week there is something new … ribbon sticks, scarves, pom poms…whatever she whips out we go for it followed up by the instruments and later they chill out (love it) for lasers
sing and social3. The Parachute – and cleaning up after. Its the biggest one iv’e seen and Megs is ruthless at getting a “tidy up bucket” after we’ve bounced the balls, I laugh my head off at her moves to obtain one!
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WP_20150106_10_39_03_ProWe started attending again only 2 weeks after we lost Poppy, with all of the babies I did worry how I would feel but also knew the kids would need some normality, so I took a deep breath and walked through the door and since then, for all of us (most weeks) thats what it is a little happy place of normality with a mix of fun, singing, music, bubbles, props and cakes what isn’t there to feel joyful about. An ordinary part of life we love, talk about between sessions and certainly look forward to!

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Sleepless nights, night feeds, a million nappy changes, tonnes more laundry, pushing a pram again, baby car seat to carry, Changing bag, baby classes and clinics are just a few things I would be doing in my life right now if my baby had have lived.
Its funny how I would have probably been coping fairly well with all of that extra stuff, yet I am wrecked with the 2 I have and sometimes struggle to get up before 8am!!! My sister in law was laughing at me over Christmas because whenever the kids woke up and asked to go get breakfast I would always respond with “10 more minutes please”!!! I came up with the genius plan that if I put Peter Rabbit on my laptop then I was guaranteed those extra few mins to snooze. I have to laugh at myself the mornings I do this because the reality is if I had a 4 month old I’d be having half the sleep I get and up before sunrise most mornings and be mostly okay with the situation.
WP_20150106_08_01_19_ProOn Sunday a beaut of a baby girl , dressed like a little fairy was blessed at church (like a Christening), and I surprised myself by being able to say “it was lovely” and whilst I wasn’t as emotional as I potentially could have been (id barely slept psyching myself up for it) I couldn’t help but imagine what Poppies might have been like, what food we would have and who would have come for the little ladies special day, it seems recently I have had a few reminders of what could have been with her in our lives.

Today we went swimming, we love going swimming and go most weeks and now I have it down on how to keep the kids in check whilst I get ready before and after (usually involves some sought after crisps) I love it… however today I failed to get the memo about it being “baby swim”, at least that’s what it felt like.

WP_20150107_11_54_32_ProAs soon as I had battled to cram all of our tat into the locker whilst keeping the kids from legging it into the pool, I turned round to be faced with baby after baby, or mothers with baby and toddler all grinning gleefully as they splashed around.. it was certainly one of those unexpected moments that cuts you deep into your soul. For several minutes I pondered on how Poppy might have been in the water (hopefully nutters like Ethan and Megs) or how different life would be with a 4 month old baby too – I certainly wouldn’t have been able to take them all swimming alone and my getting ready strategy would probably have to be reconsidered but I deffs could have been one of those mothers with baby in arms and toddler splashing around.
Though initially it hurt to see them all I noticed that I didn’t find it as painful as I might have even a few weeks go as I am coming to accept what has happened and that this is my life now as a bereaved mother.

Thankfully babies can’t hack the pool for long and so most were gone within 20 mins and we had free reign..jumping in..building float rafts…pretending to be sharks and “pinching crabs”, the joy I had with them both helped a lot to not break from this experience. I hate the emptiness that comes when these situations jump up and smack you in the face but I am glad I am developing ways of coping with how life has turned out; be it 10 mins of screen time to let me snooze and get the energy to face the day or 2 energetic, laugh out loud kids that can guarantee joyful moments in potentially emotional situations. There are always going to be milestones, events and even everyday ‘stuff’ that will remind ME that I had a daughter that never lived on this earth, never came home with us or met any of us and whilst it hurts a lot at times and always will I like that these situations are a catalyst to remember her and ponder on what could have been.

 

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I have decided to jump aboard with this years linky from “Mummy, Daddy, Me”… to post weekly throughout the year about the ordinary moments that make life what it is for our family! I have thoroughly enjoyed reading hers from 2014 and look forward to this being a springboard in helping me find joy in the smaller things this year to help me live “a hearty life” I hope to focus on the simple things that make us happy so as I look back on my 1st official year minus Poppy and beyond we will remember the good times and that we had reason to smile.

We start the year in the bath – one of the favourite places in our home for both E and M. They would both be happy to play in the bath at any time of day – be it together, with cousins (an added bonus) or on their own. Without a doubt baths are where its at! Our bath isn’t anything special, stained with nail varnish (thanks Megs for decorating), cluttered with half used shower stuff and the occasional black spots in the grout (you know the ones – at least I hope you do or this is awkward)!

They were overjoyed that “Santa” had brought them bubble bath and beg several times a day to take a bath and splash about. I absolutely love the joy I hear from them both from something that is just a natural part of daily routine, they play well together, chat, laugh out loud and is sometimes the only answer when I am tired and life is at its limits.
wp_20150104_09_30_11_proOther than it always reminding me we need new toys (hello gross soapy stuff) and I need to clean the bath more, It also reminds me how simple the life of a child is, how Joy can be found in literally anything, in the everyday ordinary activities…oh how much I love to see and hear the kids laughing, smiling and splashing – just not so much the flooding..
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The house is a dump, I can’t be bothered to cook and the kids are whining in my ears…yup we are well and truly back to reality!

To say I wasn’t looking forward to Christmas and the “season to be jolly” I am surprised at how deflated I feel being back at home now after our adventures at Grandma and Grandpas this last week or so. We had such fun with everyone and to not have to worry about the usual day to day stuff was actually a welcomed break. Yes I am wrecked too though (hence the dump of a house and lack of motivation); thats what happens when you still think your 20 can stay up to the early hours watching films and having chats with the girls or playing live mafia (no thats not a joke)…only im now 30 and have 2 kids to see to at the break of dawn, so yeah im feeling like I need a week to recover from my riotous living!
However Im feeling right now though, I cannot deny it was a great end to a not so great year!

I decided a few weeks ago that I wouldn’t be setting any goals or resolutions for 2015, what’s the point? I thought when practically everything I had planned and hoped for during 2014 crumbled before my very eyes. I didn’t want to have to face more failure if what I set for myself ended up not working out. At least that was until I read a brilliant post┬áby Leigh over at “Headspace Perspective”, her words really resonated with me and inspired me; yes till now I would say life has been a matter of survival and making sense of all that has happened but why not hope for more? become more? and achieve more than mere survival of life? after all isn’t my focus to find the joy in life despite the storm? Life isn’t just about trying to survive its about enjoying the journey and becoming our best selves, at least thats what I believe and so I am determined to thrive this year – some ideas or I guess resolutions I have come up with are:
Raise Money for the hospice/Sands: Both have helped us so much, I want to give something back or that will help those following. Some of my family are going to be doing a 1/2 marathon in the summer … Im SERIOUSLY considering it ahhhhhhhh if not I will come up with something less life threatening!

Improve my sewing skills: Over christmas I witnessed many wonderful hand crafted creations and desperately wished I had such mint skills. The Pinterest board is bulging with ideas and the sewing machine sat on the shelve with a basket of mint fabrics I have collected..this will be the year I refine my sewing skills!

– Loose the weight: Ongoing but at some point this year I WILL loose the bulge and look my best once more.

Get more sleep: I spend far too much time faffing when I could be sleeping. Things are always worse when I am tired and so bed by 10pm sun – thursday in an attempt to be a more pleasant member of our household, have more energy and generally feel well rested.

Read more: Books that is, I spend way too much time reading status updates and stuff online as oppose to a good ol book. I hope to get through at least one a month to exercise my mind and chill out a bit more.

I also have a few other things I hope to do, some blogger stuff and some lifestyle stuff/hobbies and I recognise that these aren’t major things really, im not exactly setting out to change the world or transform but they are all things that will add to me feeling and looking my best in this coming year and therefore meaning ill hopefully be a better wifey and mother and have more balance in my life, to accomplish these things will for sure make me feel like I have thrived this year!

When I look back on last year I initially just want to forget it, to be fair it was one big pile of rubbish! But I can’t do that because I actually just feel gratitude, that may be strange if you too have lost your baby, what really is there to be grateful for when such a precious thing was taken with no explanation? I can certainly name several other emotions that could quite easily proceed feeling grateful but nevertheless gratitude dominates… I am firstly grateful I got pregnant earlier in the year, grateful I was able to see her in 3d on all of my scans and grateful that I carried Poppy to term (because her diagnosis was so severe death could quite have easily taken her sooner). I am grateful I held her in my arms and spent some time with her. I am grateful for forget me nots that helped us so much during those 1st few days. Grateful the sun shone for her funeral and for the support following of friends and family. I am grateful to those that still talk about her and acknowledge her, and finally I want to say a big THANK YOU to those of you that follow my blog…it motivates me and inspires me to keep going and helps me enjoy my life and share it with you, lets face it, whats a blog without readers?! So again thank you very much – lets see how we get on through this coming year, I hope you will continue to follow along!

What do you hope to achieve for 2015?

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